The Multi-Orgasmic Couple: Sexual Secrets Every Couple Should Know (9 page)

Vagina:
The vagina is normally well lubricated from the glands that exist at its entrance. Almost all women have some normal clear, whitish, or yel-lowish discharge from the vagina at all times. This is normal and is the vagina’s way of cleaning itself.

Cervix:
The cervix is the lower tip of your uterus, which resides at the very back of your vagina. When you menstruate, blood flows through the cervix, and when you give birth, the cervix dilates in order to let the baby out. Some women report that the cervix can be stimulated during sexual intercourse, while others find any pressing against the cervix painful. If you find it painful when your partner’s penis hits your cervix, you can simply adjust the angle of penetration.

Perineum:
The perineum stretches the centimeter or two between the vagina and the anus and is a collection of muscles forming the floor of the pelvis and supporting all the sexual and pelvic organs. This collection of muscles is called the pubococcygeus (or
PC
) muscle. Later in the chapter we will talk in more detail about the
PC
muscle, which is essential for becoming orgasmic and multi-orgasmic. The perineum is sometimes very sensitive to touch and can be sexually arousing.

Anus:
The anus, which has many nerve endings, can be extremely sexually arousing for some people. Many of the same nerves that innervate the vagina innervate the rectum as well. Most women prefer to be significantly aroused before touching this area, although some women experience great sensitivity in this area at all times.

You may be concerned about cleanliness and touching this area. Washing the anus with soap and water before self-pleasuring or lovemaking may be a good idea if you plan to touch there. We would recommend not using any soap on the vaginal area, however, because it can be irritating.

Also remember that you never want to touch the anal area and then directly touch the vaginal area without washing hands or other sexual objects first. It is important not to let bacteria from the anus enter or come near the vagina, which has its own natural bacteria. Using latex gloves, condoms, or dental dams for stimulation solves that problem nicely since one is able to dis-pose of them after anal stimulation. (In short, anything that goes in the anus needs to be washed before it goes in the vagina.)

There is in fact no better way to improve your lovemaking and to help your partner to satisfy you than to know intimately your own sexual landscape.

In Healing Love and in the meditative practices of Taoist sexuality, masturbation is referred to as self-cultivation.

Pleasuring Yourself

There are many taboos in our society against a woman stimulating herself sexually, although these have lessened somewhat over the past twenty years. Fifty years ago, about a third of women had masturbated by age twenty. Now the number is closer to half.

Still, many women feel apprehensive or guilty about touching themselves or masturbating. Other women can’t live without it! Whatever your own feelings, you should be aware that every leading sex expert believes that masturbation is absolutely vital to increasing sexual pleasure alone
and
with a partner. There is no better way to find out where and how you like to be touched or pleasured. There is in fact no better way to improve your lovemaking and to help your partner satisfy you than to know intimately your own sexual landscape.

Some women fear that masturbation will decrease their desire to make love with their partner. In fact, the reverse is true. In general the more sexually active and aware of your body you are, the more you will want to be sex-ual with a loving partner.

Masturbation does not take the place of partnered lovemaking but offers a creative and wonderful alternative to partnered lovemaking. This means that neither partner is completely dependent on the other for satisfying sexual needs. This gives both partners the freedom to say yes and to say no to lovemaking, without leaving their partner high and dry sexually.

In Healing Love and in the meditative practices of Taoist sexuality, masturbation is referred to as self-cultivation. In these practices you awaken your sexual energy and then are able to transform and store it in your body for greater vitality and longevity. We’ll explore this in great detail in chapter 3. You first need to discover the paths to self-pleasure before you can learn to solo cultivate.

For the Body Exploration exercise you will need at least thirty minutes when you will not be interrupted. The room should be comfortable and feel intimate and private. You may want to adjust lighting, music, and bedding to get the feel you like. If you desire lubrication, you can use a natural oil (almond or olive) or a water-soluble lubricant. Newer, thinner lubricants, such as Bodywise Liquid Silk, are easiest to handle and most like your natural secretions.

You should feel no pressure to bring yourself to orgasm during this exploration. The point is to become familiar with what your body likes. If you find yourself moving toward orgasm, of course that is fine. What follows is a detailed map by which to explore your body and find your pleasure spots. You may want to read through it once before beginning the exercise. Feel free to follow the lead of your own pleasure.

For some of us, touching ourselves can induce feelings of anxiety. This is understandable given the negative attitudes about self-touch in our society. However, nothing can cool the warmth of pleasure faster than the chill of fear.

At the beginning of each exercise in this chapter and at any time that you feel anxious, we suggest that you practice belly breathing. The Taoists have used this deep breathing practice for millennia to calm the mind and spread healing energy throughout the body. It is also similar to deep breathing exercises recommended clinically by many health practitioners for stress relief and relaxation.

Exer cise 7

BELLY BREATHING FOR WOMEN

1. SIT: Sit in a comfortable position and relax your shoulders.
   

2. HANDS ON ABDOMEN: Place your hands on your abdomen just below your belly button.
   

3. INHALE DEEPLY: Breathe deeply through your nose so that your belly pushes out (as if you have eaten a big meal).
   

4. EXHALE FULLY: Keeping your chest relaxed, exhale with some force so that your belly goes back in toward your spine.
   

5. CONTINUE BELLY BREATHING: Inhale and exhale nine times, feeling your body relax. Acknowledge the thoughts that pass through your mind and then let them go. Do not dwell upon any particular thought, but only observe it and let it pass. Practice this until you are able to observe your thoughts without having any emotional reaction to them.
   

Exer cise 8

BODY EXPLORATION

1. RELAX: Sit or lie in a comfortable position.
   

2. BREATHE: Take nine deep breaths to relax your mind and body.
   

3. YOUR HEAD: Start by running your fingers through your hair, feeling the sensation on your scalp with your soft fingertips or with your nails. Move your fingers over your face, feeling the curves of your cheekbones and your lips. Some women find their ears to be very erotic. Try circling your earlobes, putting fingers inside, pulling on the lobes, or stroking the skin around your ears.
   

4. YOUR NECK: Move your hands down your neck, noting how it feels to be touched at the nape of your neck in the back, and in the front as your neck joins with your chest. Where are the spots that are particularly sensitive or responsive for you?
   

5. YOUR ARMS: Move down each of your shoulders and along your arms. You might find that the inside of your arms is very sensitive, as are your armpits. Hands and fingers can also be very sensitive, particularly the skin between your fingers. The body is excited by a variety of sensations. If you wish, you can try licking or sucking parts of your hands, fingers, or arms and then blowing on them. You can also use feathers or soft cloths to draw across your skin for more stimulation.
   

6. YOUR BREASTS: Hold your breasts in your hands. Circle around the outsides of your breasts, feeling how soft the skin is. Some women like to have their breasts squeezed. Others prefer a very light touch. Move in slowly toward your nipples. For many
   

   

   women the nipples are exquisitely sensitive to stimulation. Experiment with light touch and with harder pressure or squeezing the nipples. In general the more a woman is aroused, the more intense the stimulation of the breast or nipples can be. Most women like to begin with a softer touch. See what feels best to you.
   

7. YOUR BELLY: Next stroke down your belly and feel where it curves. A soft belly is considered extremely sensual in most parts of the world. This is why belly dancing is so erotic. Touch and explore your navel.
   

8. YOUR BUTTOCKS: Use your fingernails to stroke down your back and your buttocks. Cup your buttocks in your hands and feel their solid weight.
   

9. YOUR LEGS: Now move down to your toes. The feet can be very sensitive, particularly along the arch and between the toes. Some lovers enjoy sucking on each other’s toes. Using the oil, run your fingers between your toes. Touch the arch of your foot and the back of your heel. Now massage up your calves, feeling the muscles underneath. The backs of the knees are sensitive and sometimes ticklish. Move up along the outside and then the inside of your thighs. As you move up closer to your pubic triangle you’ll notice that the skin of the thighs gets more sensitive and softer.
   

10. YOUR PUBIC TRIANGLE: Run your fingers through your pubic hair. Feel the softness and fullness of your outer vaginal lips. With one hand, open the outer lips and with the other hand explore the inner lips of your vagina. You may find oil or lubricant useful in keeping yourself lubricated and comfortable. Touch the area around your
    

    

    vagina and your perineum. Where is the skin most sensitive?
    

11. YOUR CLITORIS: Move your fingers around your clitoris. Many women like somewhat indirect pressure from the side or above their clitoris. Experiment with different strokes, pressure from the sides, circling around the clitoris, gentle pinching, rhythmic pressure versus constant pressure, a light touch versus a firmer touch. Remember that the point is to explore and not necessarily to have an orgasm.
    

12. YOUR VAGINA: Move your fingers down to your vagina. Using oil or lubricant if needed, place one finger inside your vagina. Notice that it is slightly tighter when you first go in and then opens up somewhat. The tighter area is your
    PC
    (pubococcygeus) muscle, which we will discuss below. The vagina is amazingly elastic so that it can fit close around one finger or around four fingers or around a large penis or dildo. Explore the different walls of the vagina and note their different textures and sensations.
    

13. YOUR G SPOT: Along the front wall of the vagina on the belly side, approximately one-third to two-thirds of a finger length inside, there is an area the size of a dime that can become raised and ridged when you are aroused. This area overlies the famed G spot.
    2
    Taoists have referred to this spot for thousands of years as the Black Pearl. It is not always easy to find, but most women have better luck when they’re aroused and the area is enlarged and more prominent.
    

    Using a hooked finger or dildo, enter the vagina approximately an inch or two and press rhythmically upward toward the belly. The location varies for each woman, so you will need to explore. Stimulation of the
    

    G spot often produces a sensation of needing to urinate (because the tissue of the G spot surrounds the urethra). With relaxation and persistence, this urge fades to a pleasurable fullness. Orgasms from this spot feel different from clitoral orgasms, somewhat deeper and more diffuse. With orgasm from G-spot arousal, some women ejaculate through their urethra a clear fluid that is different from urine.
    3
    

14. YOUR OTHER SPOTS: Some women find they have an X and a Y spot to the left or right of the G spot at the same depth. In addition, some women find that deep in the vagina, either just in front of or just behind the cervix, in the cul-de-sac, a pleasurable sensation is experienced with penetration. Spots such as the G spot or the area just in front of the cervix are more easily stimulated from behind, either with fingers, dildo, or penis. Spots on the back wall of the vagina can be better stimulated from the front, such as in the missionary position. Using your fingers, dildo, or vibrator (or any long smooth object that may be handy!), you can see for yourself where your own pleasurable spots may be.
    

15. YOUR PERINEUM AND ANUS: Moving downward from the vagina you find the perineum, the muscular bridge between the vagina and the rectum. When aroused, some women find this area stimulating. Even more com-mon is for the anus and the skin around the anus to be sensitive. If you have never touched yourself in this area or been touched pleasurably in this area, start with very light stimulation of the area around the anus. You may want to experiment with penetration (using lots of lubricant) if it is pleasurable for you. Some women do not find this area particularly pleasurable, and you can certainly skip that part of the stimulation if you wish.
    

    If this exercise leaves you titillated and wanting more, forge ahead to the next section, where we explore our orgasmic potential. If you’re still feeling shy or uncomfortable, you will want to repeat this exercise a number of times and do belly breathing when necessary. Remember, the more you know about what turns you on, the more pleasure you can experience and ultimately share with your partner. Let this exercise be a catalyst for a lifetime of self-love.
    

    One-third of women are not able to have orgasms at all, one-third have orgasms occasionally, and only one-third have orgasms consistently
    

    Cultivating Your Orgasmic Potential
    

    Now that you have explored your body’s sensual terrain, you can learn how to bring yourself to orgasm whenever you want. According to sex researchers Beverly Whipple, William Hartman, and Marilyn Fithian, one-third of women are not able to have orgasms at all, one-third have orgasms occasionally, and only one-third have orgasms consistently.
    4
    If you are one of the women who orgasms not at all or only occasionally, the exercises in this book will assist you in having as many orgasms as you want, when you want.
    

    THE CLINICAL ORGASM
    

    The experience of orgasm is unique to each person. Particularly for women, the length and intensity of orgasm may vary greatly from person to person. It will also vary from one sexual experience to another and even within the same lovemaking session. With this said, here is the classic description of a single female orgasm, by pioneering sex researchers Masters and Johnson.
    

    Sexual arousal draws blood to the pelvic area, causing swelling of the clitoris and the vaginal lips. With increased stimulation, the woman proceeds through an excitement phase to an orgasm consisting of contractions of the
    PC
    muscle, the sling of muscle that surrounds the anus, vagina, and urethra. The contractions are approximately one second each, and the total orgasm lasts from three to twelve seconds.
    

    The woman experiences extreme pleasure and throbbing sensations centered in the pelvic area but radiating outward. During orgasm her rate of breathing, her heart rate, and her muscle tone increase. After the orgasm her arousal declines steadily with an overall sense of peace and relaxation occurring throughout her body.
    5
    This clinical description, of course, does not begin to convey the wondrous pleasure of orgasm.
    

    This basic blueprint of female orgasm is quite parallel to the male experience of single orgasm. Some women become aroused just in this way and
    

    have one single powerful orgasm. Some women are able to have two or more discrete orgasms within the same self-pleasuring or lovemaking session. Other women have what the Taoists referred to as “valley orgasms,” where arousal is increased and pleasure is sustained between multiple orgasms. There is no right way to orgasm. As you become orgasmic and multi-orgasmic, your body will find its own pleasure pattern. These patterns will differ not only from woman to woman but also often from orgasm to orgasm for the same woman. Now let’s look at ways to cultivate arousal and orgasms.
    

    GETTING HOT AND BOTHERED
    

    Before self-pleasuring many women find it extremely arousing to read erotic literature or to see sexual images. Contrary to popular belief, many women are just as aroused by these experiences as men are. However, much of the erotic material we get exposed to in our normal life is written by and for men and caters to men’s particular sexual fantasies. These images can be arousing for women but often are not. Some women have felt offended or even traumatized by pornographic images and literature. Fortunately, there are now many sources of erotic literature and film specifically by and for women. (For a few suggestions see the Resources at the end of the book.)
    

    Some women dislike explicit erotica and instead find novels with romantic content more arousing. Whatever it is that you find stimulating, from Harlequin to hard-core, there is absolutely nothing wrong with using them in your own self-cultivation. Fantasy is an integral part of our sexuality.
    

    Some women’s sexual imagination is so strong that they can experience orgasm simply from their own internal imagery without being touched. Beverly Whipple, Gina Ogden, and Barry Komisaruk measured these women’s physical responses in a clinical setting and proved their ability to orgasm from fantasy alone.
    6
    Never underestimate the power of the mind. As you learn to channel your sexual energy throughout your body in chapter 3, you will learn to experience a wave of orgasmic pleasure throughout your body whenever you wish.
    

    Some women feel guilty about their fantasies because they may involve content that is arousing but disturbing to them. For example, women may fantasize about experiences that they would never want to have happen in their real life, such as rape. There is no reason to be ashamed about what arouses you. As long as sex itself is safe and consensual, there need be no shame about it. Our sex life is a complex web of instinct, experience, and imagination. We could no more separate these strands than we could pull apart a spider’s own intricate and delicate web. It is important to note that our
    

    fantasy life functions best when free of judgment or restraints. We must be responsible for our actions, but in our imagination we have complete freedom.
    

    HANDY HELPERS
    

    Many women find that they are much more easily aroused with the use of a vibrator or dildo during self-cultivation. There are a wide variety of vibrators and dildos on the market, and we suggest obtaining one from a store where you can find real help in getting one that you feel comfortable with. You can also obtain these through mail order or over the Internet if you prefer. (For listings, see Resources.) As with all sex toys, experiment to see which particular use arouses you most. Many women prefer a vibrator to stimulate the clitoris and a dildo for penetration. There are dildos in all sizes and shapes to suit individual preferences or for particular uses (such as G-spot stimulation). Some sex toys are designed for anal stimulation. The only way to know what works for you is to try it out. Some stores even permit buyers to test-drive (using safe sex precautions) at the store!
    

    The handmaiden of arousal and orgasm is relaxation.
    

    RELAXATION AND A SENSE OF HUMOR
    

    The handmaiden of arousal and orgasm is relaxation. There are perhaps no greater enemies to sexual pleasure than anxiety and stress. When you begin to feel anxious, stop and take deep breaths as we learned in the Belly
    Breathing exercise on page 35
    .
    

    Another great antidote to anxiety and fear is laughter. Keeping a sense of humor about exploring pleasure alone and with a partner will be an invaluable asset. We all feel a little silly and maybe not so sexy when we begin to explore our pleasure for the first time. “I can’t believe I’m years old, and I’m lying here with this battery-operated thingamajig trying to get myself off!” It’s healthy to laugh about it. But then continue with your body exploration. It may take several sessions of self-pleasuring before you find the techniques that set you off. Remember that finding your pleasure points, regardless of whether or not you have an orgasm, will be a sweet reward.
    

    As with the last exercise, set the stage for your self-pleasuring by being sure you will not be interrupted for at least thirty minutes. Do whatever it is that helps you relax: taking a bath, exercising, drinking a small glass of wine,
    7
    playing music, lighting candles, and so forth.
    

    

    Exer cise 9
    

    BUILDING TO ORGASM
    

    1. PLEASURE YOURSELF: Using the techniques you learned in the last exercise, begin touching yourself, starting
       fi
       rst with hands, feet, legs, and arms and moving in gradually to the more erogenous zones
       —
       nipples, clitoris, and vagina. As before, experiment with different kinds of strokes and different areas of stimulation.
       

    2. TRY TEASING YOURSELF: There is no hurry here. When you feel yourself building toward orgasm, prolong the experience by touching places that are somewhat less sensitive and then returning to more sensitive spots. Bring yourself close to orgasm and then back off several times. By doing this you increase the intensity of the orgasm.
       

    3. TRY A HANDY HELPER: If you are not easily or frequently orgasmic, it may take several sessions before you are able to have an orgasm with self-stimulation. If you are not successful with manual stimulation and you feel comfortable, try using a vibrator. As mentioned, many women
       fi
       nd that using a vibrator for clitoral stimulation is the quickest and easiest way to orgasm.
       

    4. AN ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE: After an orgasm or after stopping the exercise, take some time to continue stroking your body. Be grateful to your body for providing so much pleasure. And most important, be grateful to yourself for taking the time to give yourself the gift of self-love.
       

     
    

    Many women
    fi
    nd that using a vibrator for clitoral stimulation
    

    is the quickest and easiest way to orgasm.
    

    If you are not able to have an orgasm on the first several tries, be patient with yourself. Any amount of pleasure you experience is good in and of itself. Orgasm is not the ultimate goal; the ultimate goal is to find pleasure in your body. All that is necessary to practice self-cultivation and Taoist lovemaking is the arousal of sexual energy, or chi. For further information on difficulty with orgasm, read the section “Missing the Big Bang: Overcoming Anorgasmia” (anorgasmia is the absence of orgasm) at the end of this chapter. The following exercises for strengthening your
    PC
    muscle will also help you intensify the pleasure you already experience and help you on your way to multi-orgasmic lovemaking.
    

    Your Sex Muscle
    

    If you had to pick one muscle that is essential to your sexual pleasure and fulfillment, it would be your
    PC
    muscle, sometimes called your love muscle
    

    Exercising this muscle is far more important to your sexual life than all the hours spent working out in the gym.
    

    A woman’s
    PC
    muscle, which is important
    

    

    for becoming multi-orgasmic, extends from the pubic bone to the tailbone.
    

    or sex muscle. Exercising this muscle is far more important to your sexual life than all the hours spent working out in the gym. Strengthening your pubococcygeus (or
    PC
    ) muscle will help you have orgasms when you wish, improve you ability to have multiple orgasms, and give you the strength to pleasure your partner intensely during intercourse.
    

    Your
    PC
    muscle is a muscular sling at the bottom of your pelvis that supports all of your sexual and reproductive organs as well as your urethra and rectum. Contracting your
    PC
    muscle will increase the pleasure you feel and the ease with which you can have orgasms from both clitoral and vaginal stimulation. Beverly Whipple, coauthor of
    The G Spot,
    explains, “The stronger the
    PC
    muscle . . . the greater a woman’s orgasmic response.” Strengthening your
    PC
    muscle “is the most important thing you can do to improve your chances of having multiple orgasms.”
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    When you contract your
    PC
    muscle you improve the blood flow to the vagina and perineum, which increases your sexual energy and lubrication.
    

    PC MUSCLE
    

    PC MUSCLE
    

    ANUS
    

    VAGINA
    

    You may have heard of the
    PC
    muscle in connection with childbirth. Physicians recommend that women do
    PC
    exercises called Kegels (pronounced
    KAY
    -gulls) prior to and after the birth of children.
    9
    Kegel exercises are designed to strengthen this muscle and improve its elasticity during the birth process. They also increase the muscular support of the vagina and uterus after birth and with aging.