The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus (11 page)

I think it’s about women feeling safe enough to “let go.”

Talking with a Reluctant Would-be Lick-ee

Is she reluctant? There are a number of reasons why she may be hesitant, and sexual shame is a biggie. Everyone is taught on one level or another that sex is “bad,” that they should have “perfect” bodies, and that women’s genitals are “icky.” If you’re already feeling a little icky, ads for vaginal defumigants with scary chemical-sounding names like “feminine deodorant spray” rub salt into the wounds. I remember seeing my first feminine deodorant commercial as a teen and feeling a wave of panic—did I need deodorant down there, too? I wondered if that was what growing up meant. Getting to buy tampons would mean that I could join the “cool club” of girls at school, but was there some secret no one was telling me about turning into an armpit down there, too? The ads made me afraid of my body, and ashamed.

Many people consider oral sex more intimate than intercourse. So, it’s not surprising that if she’s nervous or uncomfortable about the way her vulva might look or smell, she’s going to be apprehensive about sharing it with you. Cultural bias in the form of state laws that prohibit oral sex between consenting adults only compounds any deeply felt body issues. Some women just plain don’t like their bodies and won’t want you to get a close look. Be sensitive, and ask questions gently in hopes of creating a space where she’ll feel safe to open up about her hesitancy. Trust takes time to build, even in long-term relationships, and she might eventually come to love her genitals as much as you do.

I’ve noticed that people who have been in long relationships seem to have practiced going down on a woman more than those who haven’t put their time in emotionally.

If she’s partially open to the idea but still hesitant, try engaging in oral foreplay up to the threshold of comfort and then switch to a sexual activity that’s comfortable for both of you. Next time you try, go up to that point and a little past it, slowly easing up to cunnilingus. If her anxiety stems from cleanliness issues, you can romantically shower or bathe together beforehand. If it seems appropriate and you’re both turned on, initiate oral sex in the shower. It’s also a good idea to keep a wet washcloth at your bedside, because she might not want to be kissed after cunnilingus. If you know she’s uncomfortable about her body size or how her body looks in general, plan your seduction by romantic candlelight or lowered ambient light—or the two of you can stay partially clothed during sex.

A common concern among many women is that they’ll take too long to have an orgasm. Let her know up front that you don’t care how long anything pleasurable takes, as long as she’s involved. Tell her you’ve been working out! But seriously, this issue nags even the most sexually confident women, and it’s your responsibility to tell her that your goal is simply shared pleasure. Let her know that if she orgasms, that’s great, but if not, it’s just as great—you’re making love to the driver, not the car. This way you can lift any pressure she may be feeling about making you feel like you “did it” and allow her to enjoy what you’re doing for her own sake. Check in with her about this: great lovers ask questions; lousy lovers don’t.

I’m only comfortable receiving oral sex if I’m sure my partner actively wants to give it to me. If he/she hesitates or seems uncomfortable in any way, I don’t enjoy myself.

Finding out What She Likes

It may seem too obvious to mention, but one thing that I actually had a hard time getting through my head is that not all women like the same stimulation. For example, I once got the idea to suck my girlfriend’s clit into my mouth and then flick my tongue across it. That woman really got off on it, so I did it often when I went down on women. I assumed it was a basic fact of female anatomy that they liked it. Finally, a woman told me she didn’t like it, and now I wonder how many of my sex partners have put up with my sucking on their clit when they didn’t like it.

Her feedback is essential to you—how else will you know what’s working and what’s not? It’s not enough to simply ask her, “Are you okay?” You’ll most likely just get an “Uh-huh.” And “How are you?” will usually get you a “Fine.” Then what are you going to do? You’ve got to ask specific questions to get useful answers. Try some of these:

• Do you want me to go faster? Slower?

• Harder? Softer?

• Will you show me where?

• From top to bottom?

• Side to side?

• In circles?

• Do you want long strokes?

• How about here (outer/inner labia, perineum)?

• Do you want me to hold still for a minute? Tell me when to start again.

• Would you like to try suction?

• Do you want me to keep going just like this?

Foreplay Games for Lovers

Lovers in the beginning stages of foreplay can play a fun game that’s basically an adult version of the children’s game Red Light, Green Light. This game helps you determine where her erogenous zones are and can be used with any type of touch: fingers, lips (kisses), tongue (licks), face (nuzzling), or if you’re daring, a sex toy or penis. To play this game, tell her that you’re going to touch her in different places all over her body (and be sure to tell her with what) and that you want her to tell you one of three colors in response; red, green, or yellow. Red means ”No, don’t touch there”; yellow is neutral (but doesn’t mean “Stop”); and green is “Yes! Right there!” Take note of what she likes and when, and you’ll gradually become an unforgettably attentive and incredibly desirable lover.

A playful—and often very arousing—game that works on any body part is the One to Ten game. This delightful game is actually a sneaky strategy to determine her desired levels of stimulation, and it can be used throughout your lovemaking session. Because your lover’s excitement levels change throughout the sexual response cycle, it’s a helpful tool with a noncommunicative partner when you’re trying to figure out what she likes.

Here’s how to play: Tell her that you want to hear a number between one and ten when you touch her. The number one means she wants the lightest possible touch, and a higher number turns up the volume, ten being the top of the scale. When you begin touching or licking, you’ll probably be at one, and as her arousal increases so will the volume—and it may go up and down, so pay attention. Try this out on any appealing erogenous zone: her neck, her nipples, the furrows of her vulva, and her clitoris.

You might want to try playing a little game that pushes the boundaries of playfulness, trust, and power. First, assemble a variety of items that produce various physical sensations: pieces of silk, velvet, fur, rubber, or leather; ice and a cup of hot tea; a feather (or feathers); a vibrator; and if you already play with sensation a little, a small whip, slapper, or some clips. Finally, a blindfold, and you.

Tell her that she is going to be the blindfolded subject of a sensation experiment. You can choose to allow her to see the assembled items beforehand, or not. You also have the option of restraining her wrists and ankles, if she agrees that this will enhance the game. Then, once she is blindfolded and her clothes are removed, begin touching her with different things, going slowly, using one item at a time. Ask her to identify the sensations as you go along—having her describe them to you will give you clues about how she’s responding . Alternate between touching her with a piece of fake fur or velvet, and your mouth. Work your way all over her body, saving her vulva for last. Gradually increase the number of kisses and licks you give her as you incorporate her pussy into the mix. Use the ice and hot tea to warm and cool your mouth alternately, if you wish. Tell her to keep describing the way your mouth feels when you are going down on her. For more about blindfolds and how to use them, see chapter 9, “Tricks or Treats.”

CHAPTER 7

Oral Seduction

Cunnilingus is a three-act play. You set the tone with thoughtfully placed starting licks, you build pleasure with tongue techniques, and in the final act, you use one of the techniques to establish a rhythm with your strokes on her “sweet spot,” building and triggering orgasm. These three stages are crucial—and once you see how much pleasure they bring her, you’ll be back for more. If you skipped the rest of the book, I commend your eager attitude—but take a moment to familiarize yourself with female pleasure-based anatomy, covered in chapter 3, “Anatomy for Pleasure.”

First Taste

If you’re like most people, then you like to get what you want, right when you want it. We love to cave in to those childlike impulses just as we love to give birthday gifts early, don’t see the sense in waiting for Santa, or allow our eyes to travel into plunging necklines. Wanting is a trial of patience, especially when it comes to cunnilingus. But contrary to our own impulses, clitorises demand patience. In fact, they require it; and if they don’t get it, the bar is closed, we’ve stopped serving, and everyone out. The clitoris is so physically sensitive that to touch it directly when a woman is unaroused or not completely aroused is actually painful for the owner. The rule of thumb—of tongue, in this case—is indirect stimulation.

Starting out any cunnilingus session with indirect stimulation is essential—whether it’s the first time or the hundredth. Her clitoris is only part of the story you’re telling with that tongue of yours, and diving for her clitoris right away is likely to turn an evening of potential bacchanalia into the last evening she’ll ever let you try to go down on her. The best approach is to take the slowest, most indirect route—unless directed otherwise, of course, and then you had better do what you are told. A seductive, teasing beginning will make your partner more comfortable with trust issues and assure you of an appreciative union between your mouth and her genitals.

Spend time kissing and nibbling all over her body, avoiding her genital area at first, tracing her from head to toe with your mouth and your hands. Get her used to your touch, while you become accustomed to her feel and the aroma of her skin. Gently discover which parts she likes having licked, and which to leave out. She may purr like a kitten when you massage and lick her thighs, but dislike having you kiss her abdomen. Lick her hands, the hollow of her elbows, the nape of her neck. Caress her breasts and kiss her nipples. Try licking them as you might lick her clitoris.

Illustration 9. First Taste

When you want to transition from foreplay to cunnilingus, gradually narrow your attentions to the entire area of her vulva, and when she responds positively to being touched and kissed in certain spots, spend extra time there. Take a moment for you both to adjust to the feel of having your face near her genitals. If she’s wearing panties, kiss or mouth her vulva through the fabric. At this point, you could take her panties off with your teeth.

Slowly begin to incorporate gentle kisses (all lips, no tongue) on the outside of her vulva with the other things you are doing. Intersperse your kisses with other types of touch such as caresses, light squeezes, and nuzzles, as sort of a preview of what’s to come. Add in long, languorous licks where her inner thighs meet her torso. Light, hot breath on the outside of her genitals is also especially delightful, but never, ever blow air into the vagina—it can seriously harm her.

If you feel nervous about taking the first taste, as you nuzzle her thighs and hips or write your name on her upper thigh with your tongue, take a moment to cup her vulva with your hand. Then, taste her fluids on your hand and see if you are okay with them. You can also experiment with putting some of her juices on another area of her body and licking them off.

Lightly nibble her outer lips, using only
your
lips. Remember, never go straight for the clitoris unless you’ve been specifically asked (or commanded!) to. Next, use a soft, gentle tongue to trace the area where her outer lips begin to turn into inner lips. Kiss her perineum and give it a few gentle licks, too.

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