Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment (13 page)

With one night stands there is not the opportunity to do the advanced sexual techniques, and there is not the opportunity to establish the trust and emotional interaction needed for the advanced stuff.

The sad part is that you may never see her again. That is due to “The One Night Stand Clause.” That states that if a woman has sex with a man the first night she meets him, she never sees him again. She knows that she did something “slutty” and knows that the guy will think of her as “a slut.”

Furthermore, when she has a one night stand with a guy, knowing full well that she will never see him again, she has made the conscious decision to have less respect for him. She does not consider him good enough for a relationship, she only sees him to be good enough for a one night stand.

There are exceptions, but don’t bet your money on it.

There is no way to “slow down” a one night stand if the woman insists on getting fucked. Telling her to slow down would only piss her off.

If you meet a woman and you two end up in your bedroom on the very night you meet, but you would like to see her again, then you might wonder if you should hold off intercourse. It is a chance you take. It can go either one of two ways:

If she wants a one night stand and has no interest in seeing you again, she is going to get pissed off and leave and never see you again anyway.

If she wants to see you again, she is going to adore that you wanted to wait.

So it’s a chance you take.

You might wonder if there is a way to tell if she wants a one night stand or not. If a woman wants a one night stand, she’s not going to say it because that would be her defining herself as a slut. If a woman doesn’t want a one night stand, but instead wants to see you again, she simply will not let things escalate to intercourse.

So, basically, if she stops you, she probably wants to see you again.

If she doesn’t, then she probably considers you a one night stand.

(Proverbial legal caveat: No means No. Stop means Stop. If she doesn’t want to continue, you must stop. To do otherwise is a criminal offense with extremely serious consequences.)

The biggest reason why I don’t like one night stands is because if I like her and I sleep with her, but then I don’t get to see her again, then that really hurts.

Most women feel the same way. Most of them are sick and tired of being humped and dumped. Sure, they had one night stands, especially in their early 20s, but it is usually a brief period.

And of course, in all of this discussion, I am talking about mentally healthy women with good self esteem. And of course I am assuming that you only pursue mentally healthy women with good self esteem.

Here is a question from another reader:

I've been reading a lot of your material, it's certainly helped me to have more fantastic one-night stands (many, many of these!) - I still feel that I'm having trouble turning these into relationships though

- I'm not sure if I'm going too far on the first night (i.e. offering everything, becoming a girls dirty, domineering fantasy straight away) or, perhaps more likely, mishandling things over the following days (I normally text the girl within 48 hours).

Was just wondering what you thought about

1. how far to go on the first night, and
   

2. how to handle the follow-up if I am interested in repeating the night, with the possible view to turning it into a relationship (gradually of course)....
   

Its not that I go explicitly puppy-love on the girl straight away, far from it, but after a great night I can't help feeling enthused and texting sooner and perhaps more excitedly than I would otherwise, fearing that it will go dead if I don't.

Most men eventually find a really exciting woman that they are very interested in and wish they could see more. Unfortunately, that outcome seems to elude some of those men.

In order to feel those really deep emotions that are really exciting, and in order to do the "really advanced" stuff, it requires an interaction that goes far beyond one night. So let's talk about how to make that happen.

Now to answer your two specific questions:

1. how far to go on the first night? If you want to see her again, do NOT go all the way on the first night!
   

2. how to handle the follow-up? If you violate 1), then no matter what you do for follow up, you won't see her again. Usually.
   

From your email, it sounds like you regularly violate number 1). Women tend to put men into categories - one night stand,

relationship material, fuck buddy, just a friend, loser. And there is no overlap. If she wants a one night stand, she never sees him again. If she wants him for a relationship, she works on earning his respect.

We as men tend to categorize women into two categories; do-able, and not do-able. If she is in the do-able category, and we have respect for her beyond just sex, then we become vulnerable to her relationship seduction. And women know that.

Most women would ultimately like to be in a fulfilling relationship with one man that she is wildly crazy about and share her life with.

But she also knows that she will have to go through many experiences to find exactly what she wants in a man. And she certainly isn't going to wait for Mr. Right to show up just so she can have sex. And her tastes will change with time. And maybe she does not yet want to share her life. So she tastes men along the way. If she meets a man that she likes, she may very well hook up so that she can have a sex life.

But how do women categorize some men into either the one night stand category or the relationship category? You may notice that some men you know seem to attract only one night stands. And other men will always have a steady girlfriend. It could be that women viewed them as being in a certain category. What made the women see that in them? If you look closely at the men that you know, you will find that it has to do with how the man presents himself.

Women will go with what works for them at the time. You certainly do. If she finds a man who could be an exciting one night fling, she just might go for it. If she sees him as possible relationship material, she just might entertain that.

If you have always been presenting yourself as a one time exciting alternative, that is how women viewed you, and sometimes took you up on it. And that is all.

So, how do you present yourself as exciting, but not just a one night fling? The answer lies in the psyche of women.

If you want a woman to invest in you, you have to give an indication that there is an advantage for her in seeing you again. And what would that be? To feel all those things she could feel by being in an exciting relationship.

Women may not know it, and most of them certainly cannot articulate it, but what she is really looking for in a relationship are four things...

First, she needs to feel appreciated for the unique individual that she is. She needs to feel special, unlike any other woman.

Second, she needs to feel that deep intimate emotional connection.

She needs to have that emotional intimacy with her man.

Third, she needs to feel like a woman. She needs to feel beautiful, sexy, and feminine. She needs to enjoy all those things that comes with being a woman.

And finally, she needs hot passionate sex. She needs to be seduced, enticed, teased, and satisfied, over and over again. She needs to experience new things, in new ways, including fantasies and roles. It makes her feel alive.

In order for all those things to become true for her, she needs a man she can respect. If she has respect for him, she will see him as more than a one night fling. She will see him as an investment. You already know that in order to seduce a woman, you have to have rapport, attraction, comfort, etc. But if you want to see her again, you gotta have good old fashion RESPECT.

Burn that word into your brain. Consider that word in everything you do.

Command respect. Demand that you be treated with respect. Treat others with respect. Associate only with those people who treat you with respect. Be assertive when need be.

And finally, treat yourself with respect. Nobody is going to respect you unless you have respect for yourself. You are not going to be able to respect others unless you have respect for yourself.

It all goes back to self respect.

I discuss all of this and more in my one hour long audio CD called "
How To Set The Foundation For A Wild Sexual Relationship
" where I tell you the things you need to work on, why they are important, and specific examples of things to DO.

Kegel exercises strengthen the PC muscles. The PC muscles are the pelvic floor muscles that connect from the pubic bone in the front to the tail bone in the back.

You know those muscles as the muscles you contract to stop a stream of urine midstream. She also knows them as that, but she also knows them as the muscles she can contract to clamp her vagina down on your penis.

You need to do them as well. Strong healthy PC muscles are synonymous with a healthy vibrant sex life.

Kegel exercises are performed by contracting the PC muscles.

Have her isolate her PC muscles. She must contract only the PC muscles, and no other muscles, or she will become tense and tired. It will take concentration. First learn to isolate. Relax all other muscles and then contract only the PC muscles.

It is important to occasionally exercise the PC muscles when an object is in the vagina, such as her finger, or a small flexible sex toy from an adult store, or even your penis.

Be sure she learns to relax the PC muscles as well, or they can become so tense as to prevent penetration. During the resting part of the exercise, push out, as if to defecate, in order to ensure that the PC muscles truly have relaxed.

At points during the exercises, stop to completely relax again, to get an inventory of any other muscles that may have become tensed up. Do not continue until all muscles are relaxed.

Done incorrectly, this exercise can cause tension, discomfort, even headaches, which will cause her to loose interest in the exercises.

Here is how to do the Kegel exercises. It does not need to be done exactly like this. Lighten up if there is any discomfort. Do more if possible.

Contract the PC muscles for three seconds and then relax them for three seconds. Repeat. Do this for 10 minutes. Do this twice each day.

Each day increase the number of seconds of contraction and relaxation by one second, up to a maximum of 10 seconds. Equal amounts of contraction and relaxation. Increase the duration of the exercises up to a maximum of 20 minutes.

After two weeks, there will most likely be a significant increase in PC muscles strength. Maintain healthy PC muscles by continuing a portion of the exercises on a consistent basis.

It is important for her to occasionally practice the exercises with a small flexible toy, or her finger, in her vagina, in order to gauge that the exercises are being done properly and to check on their progress. Occasionally have her clamp down on your penis and commend her on her vice like grip.

Her Kegel exercising will dramatically increase her squirtage. Continued Kegel exercises for continued PC muscles strength is required to maintain maximum squirtage.

I have purchased and tested many products. The ones I can highly recommend are listed here.

"The G Spot and Other Discoveries About Human Sexuality" by Ladas, Whipple, and Perry. Copyright 1982. ISBN 0-440-13040-9. 236 pages. $7. The sexual revolution may have begun in the 1960's, but the sexuality evolution began in the early 1980's, with work such as this book. It has an entire chapter on female ejaculation, which is very informative. It also has chapters on the PC muscle and other good stuff. If you want to teach your woman to squirt, this book is the classic reference.

"Squirters 2" by Seymore Butts. If you want to see how much a woman can ejaculate, rent this movie. You will be amazed. Study Seymore Butts. He has a very healthy relationship with women. You will see why the women like him.

"ESO: How You and Your Lover Can Give Each Other Hours of Extended Sexual Orgasm" by Alan Brauer and Donna Brauer, Copyright 1983, ISBN 0-446-38645. 226 pages. $14. Another great from the sexuality evolution of the 1980's. If you want to make your woman come continuously for one hour straight then this book is the classic reference.

"Dangerous Men and Adventurous Women." Edited by Jayne Ann Krentz and copyright 1992 by University of Pennsylvania Press, 186 pages. ISBN 0-8122-1411-0. Mark Cunningham suggests we read this. It is a collection of essays by 19 leading romance authors on the appeal of the romance novel. Describes all the traits of the romantic hero.

"A Passion For More" by Susan Shapiro Barash. Copyright 2001 Berkeley Hills Books. ISBN 1-893163-24-5. Ross suggests we read this. The stories of 57 women and what drove them to have extramarital affairs. In almost every case, the woman's thoughts are consumed by the man with whom she has the exciting sex.

"Private Thoughts" by Wendy Maltz & Suzie Boss, c 1997, 2001, ISBN 1-57731-146-9, first printed in 2001. This book presents an outstanding thesis on the why and how of female fantasies.

"Story of O" by Pauline Reage, 1954. ISBN: 0345301110 It is a true story written by a woman under a pseudonym, but whose identity was revealed in 1994 as Dominique Aury. Considered the classic reference for BDSM.

"9 1/2 Weeks A Memoir of a Love Affair" by Elizabeth McNeill, 1978. ASIN: 0425103846. It is no longer in print, and used copies in good condition sell for ten times the original price. It is a true story also written by a woman under a pseudonym, but whose identity has never been revealed.

“Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission” by Gloria G. Brame, Jon Jacobs, Will Brame, c 1996, ISBN: 0679769560, Publisher: Villard Books.

“The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Sexual Passion and Fulfillment” by Jack Morin, c 1996, ISBN: 0060984287, Publisher: Perennial.