Live Today (Live Today #1) (11 page)

“Hello. For those who forgot yesterday, I’m Mary.” The counselor says. “Let’s see if we can get something out of you guys today. Can anyone tell me why you’re here?”

Long legged, brown hair, “Fuck You” t-shirt, shorts & checkered slip on vans sitting across from me with his eyes down was who I was focusing on. But that’s not what got my attention. It was his guitar he had clenched in his hand that drew my eyes from the floor. With a huff, obvious he is just as excited to be there as I was, he sets his guitar on his lap. Looking up at me, lifting his chin in a nod. Slightly embarrassed being caught staring I return the favor but add a smile to top. It was all over with from then. 

As the small group begins to loosen up, everyone begins to give their reasons why they’re undergoing rehab. By the time they get to me, I ask to pass. Mary frowns and Drew raises an eye in my direction. I narrow my eyes in return with a slight grin, if she was going to get something out of me, she will have to work harder. Mary continues around the group finally leaving Drew and myself.

“Drew?” she says. “Can you tell us why you are here with us?”

“My dad’s a dick and the courts made me come.” He snaps making me giggle. His eyes meet mine and I can see the corner of his mouth twitch in a small smile himself.

“Jenna. Well, since you found his reason funny. Maybe you can enlighten us.”

“Oh, by all means, I think Drew should elaborate more. I mean, we all have dick dad’s right?” His face reddens as he squirms in his seat. Drew is shy, I can tell. He doesn’t like to be put on the spot.

Mary agrees with him. “You’re answer was a bit vague Drew.” She scribbles on her pad. “Why did the courts force you?” He stays quiet for a few minutes. Looking around at the rest of our small group realizing that it’s just myself and one other person actually paying attention, he begins.

“A bunch of friends and me were out at a concert.” He raises his eyes in my direction. “Anyways, we ended up in a huge fight in the pits. I happened to be the one that got caught. I went to court the next day. Since my dad is a pastor, the judge felt it would be best to give me a second chance and instead of giving me community service, they decided on sending me here instead.” He smirks my way with a look that tells me Yeah, I did it, so it’s your turn kind of way.

“Okay then, guess that leaves me.” I say leaning in, resting my elbows on my knees, looking straight at him. Dammit, I really hate being put on the spot.

“Hmm. Where do I start? Oh right, from the beginning. Well, let’s see. My mom left when I was five. My dad left when I was fifteen. My brother sold drugs to help raise his little sister. One day I found his stash.” I shrug but continue. “One hit became two, which in turn became three, and before I knew it, I needed it before each set and anytime in between. My brother’s best friend died in a car accident while saving me from crack and ecstasy, which by the way I did not take intentionally, it was slipped in my drink, and he made me promise to get better. We buried him three days ago, and here I am now.” I finish off, leaning back in my chair, crossing my legs and look directly at him. “There, happy now?” I wasn’t sure what amused me more, his chin that had hit the floor or his eyes that seemed to be bugged out in shock. I for one am not shy, I just don’t like to share my personal life with anyone.

“Well.” Mary says. “I guess that wasn’t so hard was it?” she asks with a bit of sarcasm in her voice. I shrug. After the session was over with, I decided to sit next to him.

“I take it you play?” Without saying a word, he nods, not making eye contact with me. “Man of many words I see.” I say sarcastically as I stand up to leave. I get to two steps to the door and I hear. “I’m sorry.” So softly, I almost thought I was imagining things. Turning slowly, just in case I was really hearing my imagination, he continues.

“Yes I play. I refused to come here unless I could bring it.” Walking back to him, I take a seat again. I stay quiet only because the look on his face tells me he wants to say more. With a heavy sigh, he does continue. “My dad is a pastor, I hate him. I can never do anything right for him. So I play. She grounds me.” He says as he looks in my direction. Knowing he is talking about his guitar, simply because Brennan calls his a “her” as well, I nod.

“I hear you. Mine grounds me too.” I say with a smile. “Well, actually. Music itself grounds me.” I hold my hand out, “Jenna Munson.”

 Taking my hand in his, with the smallest smile crossing his face, he replies “Drew Johnson. I thought I recognized you.” My smile widens.

“You know who I am?” I ask excitedly. He grins and nods.

“Yep. I actually saw your last concert, just about a month ago. Actually, that’s the concert I got arrested at.” I remember that well, we played at the pier.

“Down in Newport?”

“Yeah. I have to say, you guys know how to rock it.” I thank him before turning away and showing him my fading smile. That was our last gig together with Will. I know I had made him a promise, but for the time being, there is now way I can step foot on a stage.

Fifty five days later, Drew and I have made a huge “turn around” as the counselors call it. Usually, people from opposite genders shouldn’t sponsor anyone, but they have seemed to make an exception for us. Since the day we met each other, we have sat together through everything. Whether it’s on the grass, crossed legged, him with his guitar, and me with a notepad and pencil, or us in the cafeteria eating and humming to a new tune we have put together. Drew and I are inseparable. I’ve even called Brennan suggesting to keep Drew on board to replace Will. Even though I think it’s too soon to get back into jamming again, I know that Will would have wanted us to pick up and not be sad for his loss. 

 Leaving rehab together, I invite Drew over to the garage, where we have everything set up. It took some coercing on my part, but eventually he caved and agreed. After about 5 songs both old and new, with a smile on Brennan’s face, he looks to Gabe who nods, glances over to Matty who’s grinning almost bigger than his own, then over to Drew. “Well.” He says as he slings an arm over Drew’s shoulders “Welcome to Live Today, Die Tomorrow, Drewbie.” Drew looks more alive in this moment as his deep blue eyes connect with mine and the biggest smile I’ve seen appears on his face since I met him. Jumping up and down like a little girl on Christmas, I run over to Drew and jump in his arms.

“See! Told you they would love you!” hearing him laugh in response, I whisper. “See, rehab is good for some things.”
 

“So, like I said. How much are we talking?” Brennan asks as Drew looks over at me and mouths “Where have you been?” I knew he was worried about me. I shake my head in return and mouth “I’ll tell you later” over to him, he nods.

 “The house sold again since you sold it. And all the funds from that and her other accounts have been split” Matt looks at Brennan, then over to me.

 “Hey?” I hear ever so softly in my ear, taking me out of the trance I didn’t even realize I was in. I look over at Gabe. “What?” I mouth.

 “Um, I kind of need my hand to play later angel.” He looks down at our hands. His fingers have almost lost color as I have been squeezing them this whole time.

 “Oh crap! I’m sorry!” I say letting go of his hand. But immediately he takes it, and places it into his other hand, and takes his relieved hand and slings it over my shoulder, giving it a little squeeze. 

 “It’s all good.” he says concerned. 

“Hey… I still got you.” I stare into his brown eyes and with a soft smile and a wink, I exhale a breath I didn’t even realize I’ve been holding. “You okay?” he asks. I whisper yes then look over to Brennan who, doesn’t seem happy at all with the little bit of affection Gabe and I are sharing. But right now, I can care less.

 “How much Matty?” I ask, still looking at Brennan, I reach over and take his hand in mine as we wait for Matt to respond. I know I'm going to need Brennan and Gabriel to handle whatever Matt plans on saying.

 “Seven hundred fifty thousand.” Matt says 

 As if we were all one person. Brennan, Gabe, Drew and I all say simultaneously “WHAT?”

 “To split right?” Brennan asks.

 With a shaking head, Matt replies. “A piece.” 

“Wait. What? I don’t think I heard you right.” Brennan asks dumbfounded. “I thought I just heard you say seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars! I mean seriously man, where the hell did she get that kind of money? And why the hell didn’t she help us out when we needed it the most?”

Sitting back in his chair, Matt crosses his arms, looks directly into Brennan’s eyes “I did say that.” He looks down towards the table, and then directs his eyes to me. “I have no clue where she got it from. I asked mom about it and she wouldn't tell me.” He finishes with a shrug.

“I don’t want it.” I say in almost a whisper as I squeeze Gabe’s hand and look up into his confused eyes. “Can we get out of here please?” He looks first at me, then over to Brennan, takes a deep breath then back to me nodding.

“Um, yeah. Are you sure?” Am I sure? No. Of course I’m not sure. I close my eyes, exhale the breath I didn’t realize I was holding in and nod. I thought I could deal with this, but the more I think about it, the more I want to get my mind body and soul as far away as this as humanly possible. My eyes trial over to Drew, the look on his face and the narrowing of his eyes on me tells me what he’s thinking. Yes, I need to get away from it all.

“You’re not going anywhere!” Brennan slams his hand down onto the table, causing me to jump closer to Gabe. “And for fucks sake Jenna, get off his damn lap. Our mom is dead and you want to take off with him? I don’t fucking think so!”

Getting angrier with every word he says I stand up and tower over him once again. “She is your mother Brennan! She is your mother, not mine! I don’t even know her and I want nothing to do with her. I don’t want her money. I don’t want a damn thing from her. The only thing I’m thankful for is she’s dead.” I spit out. Watching his eyes widen with my last set of words.

“Don’t forget Brennan, this is my house… Mine! While you were spending your money on women and band equipment, I was saving it to buy something I could call my own, and I will do as I damned well please. You don’t have to worry about Gabriel. He’s just a friend, and if I want to sleep with him again, I will.”

Two words I hear simultaneously. “Again?” and “Friend?” Shit, what do I do now?

Brennan stands so now he is the one towering over me. “Again?” he asks again. His glare meets Gabe and he lunges. “I’ll fucking kill you!”  Gabe stands to defend himself, but before he gets on his feet I push Brennan down.

“Sit the fuck down Brennan Munson. It’s not what you think. We slept. That’s all! Over the sheets fully clothed slept. Nothing happened!” I scream. “Why do you think I needed to get away from here?” I ask. I am so frustrated with how all this is going down right now. The noise coming from the man behind me sounds like a disappointed huff. Great, this is exactly what I need. I try my best to gather my wits before turning to look at him, I try to explain. “I...I was going to tell you. Just not like this.” I run my hand through my hair trying to say the right word. “I’m sorry Gabe,” looking at my family, all of which is staring at me. “I’m sorry to all of you. I just can’t do this.” I say. I can’t take the look on their faces, the look of disappointment, anger, sorrow, and remorse. I suddenly find the courage to move my feet and run.

“Jenna wait!” I hear Brennan call out after me as I sprint out the front door. “Jenna! Hold Up!” Gabe hollers for me as well. Realizing my keys are still with Gabe, I run past my car and down the street. I run like I’ve entered a marathon. I have no idea where I’m going. My cell phone is in my purse, which happens to be in my car. But I don’t care. I just run.

Running out of breath, I realize I’ve out run them all. I end up at the park, centered at the edge of our subdivision. It’s probably about few miles from the house since the house sits at the opposite end of the subdivision. I had heard about it when the Realtor was “selling” the house to me over the phone. Sitting on the closest bench I make it to that’s empty, I sit and begin to watch the children playing in the sandbox. Some of them are sitting on the swing set with their mothers pushing them from behind. A tear escapes my eye as I watch the laughter and smiles coming from them. I never had that.

My attention drifts over to the slide at a child crying. She’s fallen from bottom of the platform and has skinned her knee. Her mother is not too far behind her lifting her into her arms and comforting her with hugs and kisses. A sob escapes my throat. Where was my mom for when I fell and scraped my knee? I never had her. I had Brennan. Brennan was always the one taking care of me. My heart sinks and the tears begin to flow when I realize how badly I’ve spoken to him. But don’t I deserve some answers? Why would I want her money now? Especially when we have survived without her all these years. I lay down along the length of the bench and watch the leaves sway from the tree above me. I’ve really made a mess haven’t I? First Brennan, then Gabe.

Oh God Gabe! He’s bound to hate me by now. Out of all times to break it to him, I had to do it out of anger. He shouldn’t have taken it as such a surprise. I’ve told him time and time again that we had to be friends only. But what happened earlier today throws everything out the window.  New tears to begin flood my eyes, causing me to lose focus of the branches I was watching. Closing them, I feel the wetness fall down the sides of my face. I knew that I crossed the line last week when we danced at the club, which is why I left. I needed some time away from him. The feelings I have for him are so strong, it scares me. He’s always been there for me, since the day we met, he has been by my side. And now, finding out that it was his hold that kept me alive. He came to me every day when I was in rehab. He’s always there to lift me up when I’ve fallen. He encourages me when I have an idea. He’s even kept me on stage to sing that damn song with him when I wasn’t ready. All this time, it’s been Gabe. My heart clenches every time I think of him. But Gabriel Gonzales is a player, it’s no known secret. I don’t think I can give myself to someone who can’t take a woman seriously.

But then I’ve got Brennan who throws death glares at him at first sight. There’s no way I can move forward without making Brennan hate both Gabe and I. Suddenly I hear Will’s words in my head.
“Jenna, he knows who your heart belongs to. He just doesn’t want to let you go. He sees the way you two look at each other. And it scares him shitless to let you go. But you will know when it’s time. And so will he.”
So what now?

A few hours pass. The sound of laughter has subsided and my senses wake up to silence. I must have dozed off.  Opening my eyes, turning my head, I realize that I’m alone. Sitting up, I take my red Converse off, tuck my socks into each shoe and make my way onto the sand. I’ve always loved the way the sand felt on my feet, especially at the beach. Oh, what would I give to be at the beach right now? I make my way over to the swings. I grab the rusty chains on either side of the seat and run my hand down the knots as I sit. I dig my toes into the sand as I think about what’s happened in past 24 hours; actually, the past several months. So much has changed. We lost William, but gained Drew. We moved to Seattle, and now this. What else can happen? If there was a time when I needed a fix, right now would be that time, but is this really what I want? I don’t feel the urge to do anything but get away. Releasing my feet, I begin to spin. I didn’t even realize I had spun myself around until now. So I tip my head back and enjoy the short silent ride.

“Having fun?” a voice comes out of nowhere making me jump and fall on my butt followed by laughter. I look up to see Drew leaning against the swing frame smiling down at me.

“Not funny Drew.” I spit at him. He offers me his hand and lifts me up. I take my seat again. He sits beside me. “I just needed time.” I say looking up at him. “I really fucked things up didn’t I?”

“You sure do know how to make a grand exit, don’t you? I’ll tell you this much, you’ve got a houseful of worried men.” He chuckles. “But no, you had to say what you felt. They might not like it, but it’s no use keeping your feelings inside.” He swings over to me, nudging me hard enough to swing to the side and back to him. “One of the things I did learn from rehab.”                                         

“Is that why you’re here and not them? Think I need a fix?”

“Nope!” he says matter of fact. “We drew straws.” He nods over to escalade that’s slowly pulling away until he waves them to go. “We all wanted to know where you were, but none of us wanted to actually confront you. Why did you ask? Have a craving?”  I look up at him, straight into his eyes. He of all people would know if I was lying or not. He is after all, my sponsor. And I am his. Feeling shame, I look down at my feet and shrug.

“I don’t know.”

“Hey.” I don’t respond. Suddenly, he’s at my feet, taking my hands in his. “Hey.” Drew peaks his head in making me look at him. “It’s ok. I already knew you did. I saw the look in your eyes earlier” I begin to shake my head. “Jenna, it’s okay to have the urge every once in a while, and to be perfectly honest, you’ve gone through so much shit lately, I’m so proud of you for not wanting something sooner” I hold his hands tightly as I let his words sink in. “But you need to talk to me about it. I don’t care if you are in the middle of the desert and its two in the morning. Call me. Talk to me, okay?” It takes him a minute before he speaks again. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course you can.” I answer.

“This past week, did you?” Of course he would ask me. I disappeared for a week straight with no contact. Shit, I could only imagine what he was thinking. I know the others were worried, but for my sponsor to not have a clue?

Shaking my head vigorously “No, no. To be perfectly honest, the thought didn’t even cross my mind. I stayed in my room alone and had a few drinks a few nights, but no. Nothing Drew. I promise.” I take a deep breath before continuing. “Actually, I’m kind of surprised I haven’t had the urge myself.” I say back to him. “It seems so much easier to get away with a hit than to deal with that.” I say pointing towards the house.  “Brennan probably hates me, and Gabe.” I shake my head as I cover my face in my hands. “I bet he’s ready to quit the band now. I really screwed things up.”

Pulling my hands down back to my lap, he draws my attention. “Look at me Jenna Munson… I said look at me!” Drew says forcefully, making me look directly into his deep blue eyes. “Brennan does not hate you. Everyone takes losing someone in a different way. You two need to talk it out.” Standing up, taking me with him, he pulls me into his arms. “Don’t get me started on Gabe.” Huh? I look up at him in confusion. What is it with these men and their cryptic messages? And they say women are cryptic. Smiling, he looks down.

“Don’t even ask me either, coz I’m not saying a word. But know this. That guy has it for you.” He leans down and kisses my forehead. “Promise me something.” He whispers, as I rest my head on his shoulder nodding. “Promise me you’ll talk to me whenever you have a craving.”

I nod and whisper back. “I’m sorry. I promise.”

“Good. Well,” he steps back, taking my hand “ready to head back? It’s a long walk and Matt is making Shrimp Scampi.” He says as he wiggles his eyebrows pulling me.

I don’t hesitate as I take a step forward. “Can we run?” I say laughing as we walk hand in hand towards my shoes.

Bending down to pick them up to carry them, he laughs. “Funny, Jenna. You’re lucky I’m walking back with you and not calling them to pick us up. Do you realize how far we are?”

“Oh, c’mon it can’t be that far.” I say as we walk side by side down the sidewalk towards the house.

“Let’s just say we live on the other side of the subdivision.” He says, pointing like he’s throwing a football. I can’t help but laugh at his over dramatics.

“Well, can we walk? Please? I just don’t think I can handle them right now.” I ask “The walk will help me prepare what to say.”

Wrapping his arm around my shoulder, “I already figured we would walk Jems. Besides, I need to shed a few pounds from Matt’s cooking.”

Smiling up at him, I pat his belly. “Told you he can cook. Didn’t I?”

“Yes, yes you did.” He replies as we walk.

I have no idea what I’m going to say to either Brennan or Gabe. But I do know one thing. As we walk in slow silence, I can never be more thankful for Drew than I am right now.