SEPARATED: CONCLUSION TO UN-RELATED (11 page)

Kellan quietly walked into his old room and turned the side lamp on low so that he could see for himself that she was safe.

He stared down at Abby and finally started to relax a little bit. He pulled up a chair next to her and sat down. He was shaking as his hand reached out and brushed the hair out of her closed eyes. “What happened, Abby?” he whispered. He closed his eyes for a second and thanked God that she was safe.

He carefully pulled back the blankets and looked her over. He noticed that she had lost a lot of weight and wondered what was wrong with her. He also noticed she was wearing one of his old shirts and as he looked down at her hands, he saw the angel snow globe he’d given her a couple years earlier clasped tightly in her grip.

He covered her back up, tucked her in and sat down next to her to wait for her to wake up on her own. He carefully removed the snow globe from her grasp and replaced it with his hand. He was exhausted as well, but he wasn’t about to close his eyes until they had time to talk and he knew what he was up against.

He watched her for a couple of hours before she stirred. She had called his name a few times, and he thought he should let her know he was there, but she didn’t seem distressed, so he opted to let her sleep, like Margot asked. He was also afraid of what he was going to hear and preferred to just watch her, knowing, that for the moment, she was safe and sound.

I felt very groggy as I tried to open my eyes. They fluttered, but didn’t fully open at first. I glanced around the room and didn’t recognize my surroundings. My hand felt heavy and as I looked down I noticed there was another hand holding it. My eyes started to adjust and I was able to focus on the hand and follow it up to Kellan.

I sat up and grabbed onto him for dear life.

“Kellan!”

“I’m here. You’re okay, thank God, you’re okay!” he sighed.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to worry you, and I’ll never lie to you again.” I was sobbing and begging him to forgive me.

“Shh, it’s okay. You’re safe now, that’s all that matters.”

He was holding me as tight as I was holding him. He just let me cry until the tears stopped on their own. He knew I had to cry it out before I would be able to make any sense and tell him what happened.

It was after four in the morning and as I finally pulled back to face him, I noticed he looked as tired as I was. “You didn’t sleep on the plane?”

“No. I haven’t slept since I found out you were gone. What happened, Abby?”

A wave of nausea hit me again and I found myself retching into the plastic basin Landry had left by the side of the bed for me.

He stayed by my side, obviously too worried about me to be concerned with my vomiting. Normally he would have left the room or thrown up himself. This time he simply held my hair back and then reached for the cool cloth on the nightstand. When I was settled back in bed, he walked into the bathroom and cleaned out the basin. “You don’t have to do that. I know it makes you sick.”

“It’s not bothering me. What is bothering me is that I still don’t know what’s wrong with you or what happened to make you leave. Talk to me, please.”

“I um, lied…” I felt the bile rising again and leaned forward to grab the basin. I knew now that a lot of my nausea and vomiting was stress-related, since I had been feeling better until facing Kellan, and now the nausea was back.

There was a knock on the door.

“May I come in for a minute?” Margot asked, standing in the hall with an IV bag.

“Yes, of course.”

“I’m going to play nurse for a few minutes. I heard you vomiting again. Landry left me some more of the nausea medicine and told me how to give it. Would you like it?”

I nodded. I was so tired of puking and feeling sick, I would have agreed to just about anything at that point.

Margot walked over to me and switched my near-empty bag of fluid with a new bag and then gave me some medicine slowly through the IV.

“Kellan, you look exhausted, why don’t you both just go to sleep. She’s not going anywhere. You can talk in the morning…or afternoon. You’re both in desperate need of some rest.”

“Thanks, Margot, but I need…”

“Can I talk to you for a minute?” she asked him.

He sighed and followed her out the door. “I know I don’t have any right to give you advice, but right now, what you both need is to be together and to sleep. You’re not in the right frame of mind to hear what she has to say, and she’s still too weak to answer all your questions right now. Go get ready for bed and just hold her. Get some sleep. You can talk in the morning. I promise you, she’s going to be fine.”

“You’re sure she’ll be okay? She looks horrible.”

“I swear to you, she’ll be fine. She’s just exhausted and needs to rest. I promise you, it’s nothing life-threatening.”

“Okay, if you say she’s going to be okay, then fine. I guess she can’t run if I’m holding her.”

“She doesn’t want to run. She’s right where she wants to be; with you. Now, go to sleep. I’ll have Sara bring you both some lunch in the afternoon. If you want anything before that, let me know, okay?”

“Okay. Thank you. Goodnight.”

She touched his face gently and said, “She’s really wonderful. You’re both very lucky to have each other.” 

“I know. Thank you. Goodnight,” he said and walked back into the room.

“Kellan…?”

“It’s okay. I’m going to go get cleaned up and then we’re going to sleep. We can talk in the morning. Is there anything you need?” he asked.

“Yes…you.”

He stopped and looked at me for a few minutes, and I thought he was going to make a comment, but he must have changed his mind. He turned and walked into the bathroom without another word.

He left the bathroom door open a crack and kept poking his head into the room to check on me…as if I had any reason or desire to run from him. But, I guess he had reason to doubt me now.

He finally walked over to me and said, “We’re going to get some sleep. We’ll talk in the morning, okay?”

I knew it was more of a demand than a request, but I nodded and pulled back the blankets.

He climbed in next to me, being careful not to get caught up in my IV tubing. “Can I put my arm around you?” he asked, as if I would actually say no.

“Of course,” I said, scooting over to him and laying my head on his chest. 

We were both silent for a few minutes. “I love to listen to you breathe and hear your heart beating,” I said.

“Don’t you mean, breaking?” he asked.

“What?”

“I don’t understand why you would run from me…you broke my heart.”

The tears started again as I looked up into his eyes. “I’m sorry. I was so afraid. I had to leave…right then, and if you came and got me or I came here right then, they would have found me. I won’t go back there!”

“You don’t have to. Margot will help us.”

“I know. That’s one of the reasons I came here, first. Besides not knowing where you lived.”

“Okay, we’ll talk later. Just rest now. You’re skin and bone, Abby. Will you at least tell me what’s wrong with you? Margot said you’ll be okay, but do you think you can let me in on that, at least?”

I looked up at him and said, “I swear that I’ll never lie to you again, but would you just hold me tonight…and not ask any more questions, please?”

He leaned down and kissed me softly, and said, “Okay. Get some rest. I love you, Abby. You know that, right? I’ll love you no matter what you tell me. Goodnight.”

I hugged him tight and said, “I love you, too. Thank you for going out to look for me, even though I asked you to wait. I’m sorry I scared you. I’ll never scare you, or lie to you again, I promise.”

He sighed and pulled me closer, and we slept.

I finally woke up about ten the next morning and I realized I felt so much better. The nausea was gone and my bladder was full. I turned over to see Kellan, but he wasn’t in bed. I had to use the bathroom and as I reached up to grab my IV bag, I noticed that it was gone and the IV was still in my arm but no tubing was attached. I felt great, other than the nagging fear of my upcoming conversation with Kellan.

I headed into the bathroom and just as I reached for the handle, Kellan opened the door and smiled at me.

“Good morning. Are you feeling better?”

“Yes, I feel so much better.”

“Are you ready to talk?” he asked, not giving an inch.

“Not really, but I will, I know it’s time. I have use the restroom and get cleaned up a little first, okay?” I said, feeling more nervous now.

“Okay. I’ll go get us some breakfast.”

“Sounds good. I’m actually hungry.”

He started to walk out the door and stopped, “Abby, you’re not going to try and run off now that you’re feeling better, are you?”

“I’m through running. And, I’m exactly where I want to be…with you,” I said sincerely.

He nodded and walked out the door.

He came back with eggs, toast and juice and a big glass of milk for me. I ate every bite, and I was thrilled when after each bite, I didn’t feel that over-whelming urge to vomit.

“Is it going to stay down?”

I nodded. “I think so. That’s nice for a change.” 

We were sitting in bed and he took our trays and set them on the dresser. He climbed back into bed with me and pulled me to him. I knew it was time and I was shaking.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked, once I was settled up next to him.

“Tell you what?” I asked, not sure what he was talking about.

He reached his hand down and placed it gently over my lower abdomen. I looked up at him and realized he knew that I was pregnant. I turned away from him and moved his hand away.

“Abby, you are pregnant, right?”

I nodded yes but I couldn’t face him. I knew he thought it was his baby and I didn’t know how to tell him that it wasn’t.

“Did Margot tell you?” I whispered.

“No, she didn’t say a word. I just figured it out. Why else would you be so sick without actually being ill…and why else would you come to Margot for help? Don’t you want the baby?”

“I want
your
baby…”  I was trying to give him a hint without actually having to say it.

“Then I don’t understand. Did you think I’d be angry, or that I wouldn’t be there for you? Abby, I love you. I stood by Brianna when she told me she was pregnant and I didn’t even love her, so why wouldn’t I stand by you?”

“Because…”

“Because?”

“It’s not…” I tried, but I couldn’t get the words out.

“It’s not, what? Abby, please talk to me.” 

He forced me to turn back toward him, but I refused to look him in the eyes. 

He pulled my face up to him and said, “You said you want the baby. Did you think I wouldn’t?”

“I said I’d want
your
baby, but…”

“But, what?”

“But, it’s not…yours.” I was breathing hard and the tears started falling.

“I don’t under…” He stopped talking and sat up in bed. “It’s not mine?” he asked softly, obviously astonished.

I still couldn’t look at him. He got out of bed and started pacing the room. When I didn’t say anything he came over and sat down next to me on the bed and forced me to look at him.

“Abby, talk to me…now. If it’s not mine, then whose is it?”

“I can’t tell you. I’m sorry.” I was trying to hold it together, but I knew it wasn’t going to last too much longer before the flood gates opened.

“What the hell does that mean? Is it
Tyler’s?” he asked, breathlessly.

“NO! How could you think that?”

He raked his fingers through his hair, “I don’t know, I guess it’s because you’re pregnant…and you said it’s not mine. It has to be someone’s.”

I refused to say anything, not sure how to explain that I was raped. I wasn’t sure how he was going to take it, any of it, but I knew he was going to be furious with me when I refused to tell him everything.

He sat down by me again and calmly said, “Abby, are you just trying to tell me you’re not ready for this…for being a mother?”

“No… I um, I was…”

He started pacing again, “This doesn’t make any sense. I know you would never sleep with anyone else. You would have had to have been forced…” He stopped talking and turned pale.

I didn’t have to say anything, my eyes gave it away.

“Oh, Abby…no,” he whispered and sat back down next to me. He pulled me into his arms and held me for a while, without saying anything.

He finally pulled back a little. I wasn’t crying, for a change. I figured I had to get a few things out before I broke down. 

“Are you sure it’s not mine?” he asked, hopeful.

“It happened three weeks after
Nancy took away my pills. I hadn’t started a new pack yet.” I was talking, but I still wouldn’t look at him.

He brushed back my hair with his hand. “Can you tell me what happened?” he asked softly.

“I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time…that’s all. I’m sorry.”

He pulled me to him and said, “Why are you sorry? You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I should have been more careful. You’ve always told me to be…”

“Abby, it’s okay. It’s over…it’s all over,” he said, hugging me tight and rocking me back and forth. I wasn’t sure if he was rocking me just for my comfort, or for his.

“It’s not over, and it won’t be over for months…and then?”

“I don’t know. We’ll work it out.”

I nodded but started to feel a little nauseous again, so I sat up trying to quell the queasy feeling.

“Are you okay?” he asked when I pulled away.

“I think I’m going to throw up again.” I stood up to get the bowl and had to sit back down from the dizziness. Kellan handed me the basin and I dropped my head between my knees like Landry said to do and the nausea slowly faded.

Kellan started to pace again. He stopped in front of me and knelt down. “Abby, who was it?” he asked, but I think he knew I wasn’t going to tell him.

I lifted my head and said, “I promised you I wouldn’t lie to you again, but I can’t tell you who it was.”

“You can’t or won’t?” he asked, the anger beginning to turn his pale blue eyes into dark livid pools.

“Does it matter? I can’t and I won’t tell you. I know you’re going to keep asking, but I’m not going to tell you…for your sake as well as mine.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means that I don’t want you to do anything about it. I can’t risk losing you…”

He sat down next to me. “You’ll never lose me, Abby. Never.”

“I will if you go to prison.”

“I’m not going to go to prison. Why would you think that?”

“Look me in the eye and tell me that won’t do anything to…him, if I tell you who it was?”

“So, you’re just going to let him get away with it? Pretend it didn’t happen? He’s the one that’s going to prison, Abby.”

He was calm, much calmer than I expected.

“I’m not going to tell you, Kellan. I love you…and I can’t risk it.”

He was up walking again, not sure what to do with himself. He was desperately trying to stay calm, but I could see and feel the rage moving toward the surface.

He was breathing hard and I think he was looking for an outlet for all the anger, but he maintained his composure and said, “Did he hurt you…other than,” he sighed and walked to the window.

“No. Not really. I did try to fight him, but he was too strong, and finally he just…”

“You couldn’t have fought him off, Abby…whoever it was.”

“I still tried.”

“I’m assuming you didn’t go to the police. Why?”

“I just wanted to forget about it. And I showered and washed all the evidence away the second I could.”

He sat down next to me and put his hand on my belly and said, “Not all the evidence. We can still make him pay. Please tell me.”

“No.”

“Abby, you were…raped,” he cringed as he said the word. “He needs to pay. You can’t let him get away with this. I won’t let you. Do you honestly think you can just forget it?”

“I thought so…until I figured out I was pregnant. I had put it out of my mind, and when Justin asked me if I was pregnant, and then
Tyler asked me, I told them both no. I was on the pill when we were together. It didn’t hit me until Tyler’s sister said she got pregnant a few weeks after she stopped taking the pill.”

“I’m assuming
Tyler knows?”

“Yeah, he figured it out. Stephanie knows, too. I was living with them, they kind of guessed.
Tyler was taking me to a doctor the next day. He ordered me to go, but that’s the day I left. I only had three days before you were supposed to come and look for me, and I realized I needed you. But I didn’t want you to go after him. I knew you’d get into trouble and ruin everything you’ve worked so hard for. I finally decided that, even though it’s not your problem, I couldn’t stay away from you. And, I knew Margot could help me, too. I wanted to tell you. I tried a few times, but I just couldn’t. I went with Tyler because I knew Nancy would look for me in a few weeks, and I knew she’d run to you first.”

“Does she know?”

I nodded.

“You told Nancy, but not me?”

“No, I didn’t tell anyone. She found the pregnancy test in the corner of my room.”

“Why would you leave it there?”

“I threw it against the wall. I was angry.”

“You should have been. You still should be. So, tell me who it was and I’ll take care of it.”

I shook my head no. “That’s what I’m afraid of!”

“Abby, I’m not going to stop hounding you about this. Margot knows people, she can help. I promise, I won’t go to jail.”

“Yes you will. Please don’t ask me. I’m not going to tell you. I don’t want to fight, I’m tired.”

“Well, we’re not done, so I’m afraid before this is over, you’re going to be exhausted.  I’m not going to stop asking until I know the truth.”

“I didn’t lie to you. Everything I told you was true.”

“Not telling me something is just the same as lying.”

“No, I told you what happened. I’m just refusing to give you all the details. I won’t budge on this. I’m sorry, but I love you and I can’t risk losing you…”

“Then you better tell me right now!”

“What does that mean?”

“What do you think it means? I want to know…and I want to know NOW!”

“Or what?” I asked, trying to stand up and face him.

He started pacing again. “I don’t know. I was calling your bluff, but I can’t go through with it. I love you and no matter what, I always will.” He sighed and sat back down on the bed. “Please Abby, just tell me.”

There was a knock on the door. “May I come in?” Landry said.

Kellan opened the door for her. 

“Hi, Kellan. How are you?” she smiled.

“Don’t ask.”

“Hmm, okay. Abby, how are you?”

“I don’t know. I feel better physically, thank you.”

“Well, let me take a look at you. Kellan, could you give us…”

“It’s okay, he knows,” I said, looking over at him. He was still pacing.

She examined me quickly and asked for a urine sample. When she was satisfied that I was well hydrated, she said, “I brought a portable ultrasound machine. I thought we’d take a look at the baby, if that’s okay?”

“I don’t want to see it…or hear it.”

“Okay. I’ll keep the volume down and you can turn your head from the screen. But, I need to see how this baby’s growing, okay?”

I nodded, wanting to refuse, but she’d been so kind, and she went out of her way to bring the stupid machine, I knew I had to agree.

She lifted my shirt up a little and dropped my pants down on my hips and turned on her machine. I refused to face the monitor, staring instead at Kellan who had taken a seat on the other side of the bed to watch the screen.

Landry put cold gel on my lower abdomen and then ran the ultrasound over it. I was watching Kellan and he seemed fascinated.

“What’s that?” he asked her.

“It’s the baby’s heartbeat. It looks good and strong.”

“Wow, that’s amazing.” He looked down at me and said, “You should see this, Abby.”

“I don’t want to.”
             

“It’s still your baby…” he sighed, wishing it was his, as well.

“I don’t want it.”

“Do you want to know the sex?” Landry interrupted.

“I don’t care.”