SEPARATED: CONCLUSION TO UN-RELATED (12 page)

“I do,” Kellan said.

“Can I tell him?”

“Fine.”

“It’s a girl.”

“She’s amazing. When…um?”

“I’d say somewhere around the 12th of June by dates, and about that by ultrasound…give or take.”

“You’re almost halfway there. You can do this,” Kellan offered, taking my hand.

I turned away, not wanting to face reality.

“Well, everything looks good here. Are you feeling better, now?”

“Yes, thank you,” I said when I heard her turn off the machine.

“Okay, I want you to stay in bed all weekend. Tell Margot if you have any concerns, or you can call me. I’m leaving my numbers here by the bed. I’ll be back on Monday to check on you.”

“Okay.” I looked over at Kellan, wishing I could ask him to leave for a minute but I knew he wouldn’t. I pulled up my pants and got up and walked her to the door.

“I just told you to stay in bed.”

“I know, I just…can I talk to you?” I asked very softly.

She opened the door and we walked out into the hall. “You have a question?”

“Yes, can I, I mean is it okay if we…?” I didn’t know how to ask.

She patted my arm and said, “Yes, you can have sex…if you want. Just stay in bed. Don’t get over-tired. He’s probably pretty hard to resist,” she grinned.

“He is.” Obviously he was irresistible to many more women than just me, her mother included.

“Okay. Take it easy. If you have any bleeding, cramping or anything else worrisome, then you need to call me, okay?”

I nodded and took a deep breath and headed back into the bedroom.

“More secrets?” he asked.

“No, I just wanted to ask her something.”

“But, you couldn’t ask her in front of me?”

“No.”

“Abby, I don’t understand. Why won’t you tell me who did it?”

“I told you, I know you’ll go after him and then you’ll be the one to go to jail.”

“Dammit, Abby! Just tell me. I promise I won’t do anything to land myself in jail.”

“You can’t make that promise. You don’t know who it was…”

“You mean I don’t know him?”

“I mean that you’re going to be very angry when you find out. I need you here…please don’t ask.”

He sat down on the edge of the bed and sighed. I don’t think he was ready to give up. He looked like he was trying to come up with another tactic and I knew I had to convince him to stop asking.

“Kellan,” I sat down next to him. “It’s not that I want to keep it from you. I’ve never kept anything from you. I’m just scared…” the tears were starting again.

“Of me?”

“No, I’m afraid of what you’ll do. Maybe I’m being selfish…I know it’s driving you crazy. But, I need you right now. If I tell you, then you’ll leave and go after him. Then they’ll find out where I am and I’ll have to go back to
Nancy. I can’t go back there.”

“Why?”

“Because, she wants the baby.”

“What?”

“At first she told me I had to have an abortion, but I refused. And then, just to shut her up, I agreed. I planned on running before the appointment, but then the next morning she had me sit down with her at the dining room table and said she had the perfect solution. They would raise it as their own. I don’t want this baby, Kellan. But, I’m sure as hell not going to give it to them. I want Margot to find a good home for it. You said she does that, right?”

“Yeah,” he said calmly. 

“That’s what I want to do.”

“Are you sure? We can keep her. I’ll raise her as my own. She never needs to know.”

“I’ll know. Every time I look at her…I’ll see…him. I can’t…I just can’t,” I was crying again and he pulled me to him.

“Okay, whatever you want. You don’t have to decide today. But, I’ll stand by whatever decision you make.”

“I’ve made it. It’s what I want.”

He was calm now. “Is that everything?”

“Yes. You know everything except his name. Can you live with that?”

“For now. But, eventually, you’re going to have to tell me. Come on, get back in bed. You’re on bed rest for the weekend.”

“Only if you stay with me.”

“I’m not leaving you, Abby.” He tucked me into bed and then walked around to the other side and climbed in next to me. He pulled me close and I snuggled in, thrilled to be exactly where I wanted to be, even if it was under those circumstances.

After a few minutes, and his breathing had slowed, and I was sure the anger was gone for the moment; I reached up and kissed him. He resisted at first, but soon he was kissing me back. I continued to kiss him, wanting him, needing him to re-claim me as his own. After a few minutes, I started to unbutton his shirt and he grabbed my hand.

“What are you doing?”

“If you don’t know, then I guess I’m not doing it right.”

“You can’t be serious! Abby, you’re on bed rest.”

“I know. What better place?”

He sat up and re-buttoned his shirt. “We can’t!”

“Yes, we can. That’s what I asked Landry. She said it was fine.”

“Well it’s not fine with me,” he said and started pacing the room again.

I sat up and said, “Why? 

“Abby, you’re in no condition to make love right now.”

“Why? Landry said I was fine.”

“I’m not doing this right now.”

I sighed, “Why do I always have to fight or beg you to sleep with me? Don’t you want me?” I asked, hurt.

“Yes, Abby. I want you. I always want you.”

“But, not now?”

“No…yes, I want you, but we can’t. I don’t feel right about it.”

“I need you…please?”

“The answer’s no. I’m sorry. I’ll be right back. I’m going to grab us some lunch.”

“We only ate breakfast a little over an hour ago.”

“You need to eat. You’re skin and bones.”

He walked out the door and I said, “How would you know, you won’t even touch me.” I assumed he didn’t want to touch me because I had been raped, and I lay back in bed and knew that Joe had ruined everything.

Sunday morning found us both rested and mostly content. We spent the day in bed talking about nothing until the subject of my pregnancy reared its ugly head. 

“Abby, we have to talk about this. We need to figure out what we’re going to do.”

“I know what I’m going to do; I’m giving the baby to Margot. She’s promised to find a good home for it…her.”

“We don’t have to decide that now. There is another option, and I’m really good with that.”

“I’ve already made up my mind.”

“So, you’re not even willing to discuss it?”

“No.”

“So, there’s no
us
where this baby’s concerned, it’s all
your
decision?”

“It’s not your problem. I wish it was, but it’s not,” I said sadly.

“So, if she was mine, then you’d want her?”

I looked up at him and said, “Of course I would! How can you even ask me that?”

“But, she’s still yours, and she
could
be mine.”

“She’s not, though. The dates don’t add up.”

“I didn’t mean that. I meant that no one has to know she’s not mine. Margot won’t ever say anything.”

“I’ll know…and you’ll know. I can’t raise a baby that I don’t want and won’t ever love. It’s not fair to her. She didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Neither did you.”

“Kellan, please just drop it. I’ve made up my mind. Why won’t you accept this?”

“I don’t know. I guess I just feel left out of the loop. You’ve hidden this from me for months.”

“I’ve only known for a couple of weeks.”

“About being pregnant, yes. But, why didn’t you tell me about…when it happened?”

“The same reason I’m not telling you now. I don’t want you to do anything about it.”

He sighed, “Okay, you win, for now at least. I’m tired of fighting.”             

“Good, because fighting isn’t exactly what I had in mind…”
             

“Abby…we can’t,” I was kissing his neck. “We shouldn’t do this…” he sighed but pulled me to him. He stopped after a minute and pulled away. “Abby, I don’t want to hurt you…or the baby.”

“Is that what you’re afraid of?”

“Yeah, what else?”

I touched his cheek and said, “I thought…you didn’t want me now because…”

He kissed me and said, “How could you think that?”

“Because I’m not just yours now,” I said with the tears starting.

“Abby, you are mine. You always have been and you always will be.”

I just wanted him to hold me and make me his again, but I suddenly felt dirty and unworthy of being with him. I looked down, unable to look at him.

He must have sensed my distress, “Abby, tell me something?”

“What?” I asked, but still refused to look at him.

“Did you love me any less when you found out about how I made all that money? Did you want me any less?”

“No, of course not. It didn’t matter to me. I love you.”

“That’s right…and I love you. Come here…”

Margot stepped into the room and expected to find the couple sleeping. She had some more nausea medication for Abby, but decided she didn’t need it at that moment. As she slowly backed out of the room she couldn’t help but remember earlier days with her husband. She closed the door and once again wandered down the long hall to look at the memories of Vincent that shrouded the wall.

“Are you sure about this, Abby?” Margot asked a few days later while holding adoption papers in her hand.

“You said you found a wonderful couple who’d be perfect to raise this baby.”

“Yes, I know the perfect couple,” she smiled softly and sat down next to me.

Kellan walked in then, home early from school.

“What’s going on?” he asked, walking into the main sitting room.

I looked up at him and knew we were about to have another fight, but I also knew it was my decision and I was going to win.

“I’ll sign them, now.” I reached my hand up and took the papers and pen from Margot.

“Abby, you don’t have to do that now. You’re going to regret it. I know you will,” Kellan said, taking the papers from me.

“She can draw up new papers Kellan. I’m going to sign them, and I’m sorry, but you can’t stop me. I can’t keep this baby. I know I won’t be able to look at her without seeing…” I shook my head as the tears started. “Please understand. I can’t keep her.”

Kellan looked at Margot, who was caught in the middle. “Abby, I’ll keep the papers safe for a while. You still have a while to think about this. You don’t know how pregnancy changes things.”

“Margot, I’ve made up my mind. There’s nothing anyone can say to change it. You said they’re a nice couple, right?”

“They’re a wonderful couple.”

I slowly took the papers from Kellan’s grasp and signed on the bottom line and handed it back to Margot. “She won’t ever know how she was…conceived?” I asked.

“It’ll be a closed adoption. It’ll be up to her parent’s to decide what to tell her.”

I nodded and walked back upstairs. I wanted Kellan to come with me, but I knew he was angry and needed some time.

“Can she get out of this?”

“Yes. Give her some time. She might come around. But, if she doesn’t, then you have to respect her decision. This couple will love her unconditionally, and I’m not sure Abby can do that with this child, right now, at least.”

Kellan nodded, grabbed his backpack and started to head back to the law library to try and catch up on some much needed studying. He had managed to miss three classes since Abby was with him, something he never did. 

“Kellan?” Margot asked.

“Yeah?”

“I’m really sorry that I put you in an awkward spot with Abby.”

“What?”

“I had no right to ask you to sleep with me.” She sat down on the couch. “I really miss him. You don’t know how much you miss someone until they’re gone. I know that’s a cliché, but it’s so true. When I saw you, and you look so much like him…you are so much like him. Abby’s a wonderful girl. If I caused you any grief, I’m sorry.”

He sat down next to her and said, “Margot,” he sighed, “Abby knows everything. She also knows how much I regret…what I did. But, I don’t regret being with you. You’re a wonderful lady. You’re good and kind and decent.”

“I paid you to sleep with me,” she said as he stood up. “Not very ethical on my part.”

“I took the money. I told you, I regret a lot of things…a lot of women, but not you.”

“I know you donated the money back to the girl’s home,” she grinned.