SEPARATED: CONCLUSION TO UN-RELATED (15 page)

By 3:30 I knew without a doubt that I was in actual labor. For once, I was grateful that Kellan wasn’t home on time. My contractions were coming every two to five minutes and I knew, without a doubt that once he found out I was in labor he’d rush me to the hospital, all the while blaming himself for giving in to my desires the previous night.

I heard him talking to Margot at 4:15 and I hurried into bed and closed my eyes, pretending to be asleep. I knew he wouldn’t wake me. He came in and looked down at me, lightly brushing the hair out of my eyes and then silently walked back out the door.

I had held my breath the entire time he was in the room, trying to ignore the pain that was coming in regular patterns of about every two to three minutes by that time. I don’t know what possessed me to try to hide the fact that I was in labor, other than the horrible fear of being taken to a hospital and being found by Nancy...and
him
. I knew Landry said she wouldn't deliver me at home if I wasn't at least 37 weeks, and I knew I wasn’t quite even 36 weeks yet. I was scared, and even though I knew I was in labor, I couldn't face it. I stayed in my room, crying into my pillow with each contraction.

Kellan brought me a dinner tray at 6:30 and I thought about pretending to still be asleep, but by that time, the contractions were so intense, I couldn't sit still.

“Hi. Did you sleep well?” he asked with that adorable grin.

“Um, yeah. I guess I was...tired.” I stood up and slowly made my way to the bathroom.

“Are you okay?” he asked. “I brought your dinner.”

“I’m um, not really hungry.” I grabbed my belly and said, “There’s no room left.” I took a few deep breaths and said, “I’m going to go take a bath.”

“Okay. Do you want some company?”

“No, it’s okay. You eat.”

“I thought we’d eat together. Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’m just not hungry. My back’s still killing me. I...” I doubled over.

“Abby, what’s wrong?” he asked, rushing to my side.

“Nothing. I told you, my back hurts from lying in bed.”

“I hope the bath helps.”

“Me, too.” I closed the door and ran the tub, but by the time the tub was full, my contractions were right on top of each other and I knew I had no choice but to tell Kellan. I was going to have the baby...whether I wanted to or not.

I was sitting on the closed toilet lid, but when I stood up to go get Kellan I felt a strange sensation. “Kellan!”

He came running through the door. “Are you okay?” he asked.

I was bent over with another contraction and he was immediately by my side. “I think you better get Landry. My water broke,” I said, not letting him in on the fact that I’d been contracting for hours.

“It’s too early. Are you sure?” he asked, as if I was imagining it.

“Kellan I’m standing in a puddle, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t pee down my leg!”

“MARGOT!” he yelled, refusing to leave my side.

“It’s okay, you can go get Landry. I’ll be fine.”

“I’m not leaving you for a second. Are you having contractions?” he asked.

I looked up at him with guilty eyes, but only nodded yes.

He started to ask me how long I’d been contracting, but Margot came running through the door.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“Abby’s in labor. Her water broke and she’s been having contractions...” he looked over at me, “…for how long now?”

I was having another contraction at that moment and put up my hand to let them know I needed a minute.

When it was over, Kellan asked me again how long I’d been contracting.

“Since you left this morning.”

“WHAT? Why didn't you tell me? Abby, I told you we shouldn't have...”

“I wasn’t sure at first. I kept hoping it would go away.” I interrupted him, hoping to change the subject so as not to get lectured by both of them.

“You’re going to the hospital now!” he said, his mind set.

“NO! I want Landry...please?”

He looked up at Margot who was already talking to Landry on the phone.

“Yes, she said her water broke and she’s been contracting since this morning,” Margot said.

“I know...she knows. I think she was in denial. She wants you,” Margot continued.

She hung up the phone and said, “She’ll meet us at the hospital.”

“NO!” I screamed, not only was I hit by another brutal contraction, but I was terrified to go to the hospital.

Kellan looked up at Margot.

“She has to go. The baby’s premature.”

“No, I don’t want to go. Please...” I said as another contraction hit me.

Kellan said, “I’m sorry, Abby. I can’t risk losing you…or the baby.” He picked me up and carried me out of the bathroom. 

I was fighting him all the way, but when the next contraction hit, I found myself clinging to him and saying, “Don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me.”

“How could you even think that? It’ll be okay. I promise.”

“They’ll find me! They will.”

“I swear I won’t let
Nancy anywhere near you!”

This did nothing to ease my fears, but I was in too much pain to continue arguing with him. I clung to him, breathing hard through each contraction. They were coming in constant waves, one on top of the other, refusing to let up.

Margot drove and Kellan held me in the back seat. We made it to the hospital in record time and were met by Landry at the door.

Kellan refused to let me down which was okay because I wasn’t too sure I could walk anyway. He followed a nurse to a birthing room and he finally set me down on the bed.

“Okay, let’s see where you’re at. Why didn’t you tell me you were in labor, Abby?” she said, in a scolding manner.

“I don’t...OW! I don’t know! I wanted you to...”

“Okay, okay. It’s fine. We’re not too late. I need to do a pelvic exam, okay? We need to get your pants and panties off.”

I was breathing hard as another contraction hit me and I couldn’t get my pants down. Kellan took it as his cue to help me and soon I was half naked on the bed and I was terrified.

“Well, you didn’t get here too soon. You’re complete.”

“What does that mean?” I asked in between my never-ending contractions.

“It’s time to push.”

Landry and a couple of nurses busied themselves readying this and that and I looked up at Kellan. “I’m not ready for this. I don’t want to do this!”

“It’s okay. It’ll be over soon.”

I squeezed his hand hard during my next contraction. “I have to push...Oh, no!”

“Just breathe through this contraction, Abby. You can start pushing with the next one.”

“I don't want to push. I don't want to do this.”

The nurse was asking me a bunch of questions, but all I could think of was that I didn't want to have this baby. “You promised me...you wouldn’t look...at her!” I reminded Kellan.

“I know.
Its okay, I won’t. We’ll just let Margot take her, okay? I promise. It’s okay, Abby.”

Landry sat at the edge of the bed and checked my cervix again. “Okay, with the next contraction, I want you to push, okay? You’re baby’s right there...”

“She’s…not...my...baby!” I said as another contraction hit me.

“Push, Abby!”

“No, I don't want to. I...can’t.” The need to push was overwhelming, but the fear of looking into Joe’s eyes was stronger than the natural urge to push.

“Abby, you’re going to have to push this baby out. You don't have a choice. She’s right there. You’re contractions brought her all the way down and now you just have to push her out the rest of the way. Now, on your next contraction, I want you to push.”

I was holding my breath, desperately trying not to push while every breadth of my being screamed that I had to push. It was an uncontrollable urge, but I fought it tooth and nail, refusing to give in and be forced to deliver this baby.

“Abby, push!” Landry ordered, obviously upset with me now.

“No, I can’t.”

“Abby, you have to push now. Come on, you can do this,” Kellan said, while trying to shake back some feeling in his hand from my squeezing.

“NO!” I shouted, refusing to budge.

“Abby, you have to do this. Just give me a few good pushes and it will be all over.”

I shook my head like a spoiled child refusing to listen.

“ABBY! You have to do this!” Kellan ordered.

“Abby, it’s okay. I have a wonderful couple all ready to take her. You don't have to see her...I promise,” Margot said from the doorway.

“You’re going to take her away, right?” I was desperately fighting the over-whelming urge to push, but I had to be sure that we’d never lay eyes on her.

“Yes, I promise. You don't have to see her. Kellan won’t see her, either,” Margot promised.

I took another deep breath and nodded okay in between contractions.

“Okay, with your next contraction, I want you to bear down and push,” Landry said, quietly, sounding relieved.             

My next contraction hit and I squeezed Kellan’s hand harder and pushed.

“That’s it, now push harder, Abby. This baby needs to be born.”

I did what she said and after a few more contractions, I felt an unbelievable burning. “Ow, Ow! Get her out!” I screamed.

“Come on, just push through it. You’re almost done.”

I pushed hard, and finally felt some relief. I heard her cry and I grabbed Kellan’s arm, making sure he was going to keep his promise and not look at her. 

He was staring down at me and said, “You did it, Abby. I love you.” He leaned down and kissed me and neither of us even noticed as Landry wrapped up the baby and handed her to Margot. The room was silent with the exception of my heavy breathing.

“Okay, Abby. Give me one more push and it’ll be all over,” Landry said quietly.

“I thought I was done. The baby’s gone...right?”

“Yes. One of the nurses and Margot took the baby, but you still have to deliver the placenta. Just give me a few small pushes, okay?”

I did what she said and Kellan sat by my side the entire time, holding my hand with one hand and stroking my cheek with the other. He never looked away throughout the entire birth or during the repairs Landry had to make from the tears I managed to sustain.

“Okay, you’re all done. You did a great job, Abby.” She sat down next to me, across from Kellan and said, “You’re going to be pretty sore for a while. You have a second degree tear, but I stitched you up really well, so you’ll be as good as new. Your nurse will give you some ice packs and ibuprofen for any pain.”

“Thank you.”

“Do you have any questions?”

“No. Oh, yes, when can I go home?”

“Tomorrow night.”

“No, I want to go home now...before...”

“You can’t go home yet. I'm not going to let you go for twenty-four hours. I need to be sure you’re okay, and you don’t have any bleeding issues.”

“I’m fine. Kellan will be with me and so will Margot.”

“Abby, Margot’s making arrangements with the adoptive parents now, and she needs this time to get the paperwork all done. I’m afraid you have to stay here.”

I looked down and nodded my unhappy acceptance and whispered, “Thank you for everything.”

“You’re welcome. Um, I did want to let you know that you’re going to have milk let down within the next day or two. We used to give medication to dry it up, but we don’t anymore. You can wear a really snug bra and stay out of the shower stream, but...your milk will still come in. I’m sorry. Your breasts are going to be very sore for a while.”

I nodded and said, “Okay.”

“You um, you could nurse her a couple of times...” she treaded very carefully. “It will help give her a good start in life, build up her immunities.”

I looked up at her and knew she only meant well. “I...can’t. I’m sorry.”

“Okay. Call me with any questions.”

The nurse was very nice and cleaned me up and walked me to another room. It had a double bed so Kellan could stay with me. I climbed in and grabbed hold of him and cried.

“It’s all over now, Abby. It’s all over.” He stroked my hair and held me close. I was exhausted and I finally drifted off to sleep.

I don’t know how long I slept, but I remember waking up screaming. “Where is she?”

“Who?”

“My baby!” I was hysterical and I don’t think Kellan knew what to do with me or how to help me.

“Abby, she’s with Margot, remember?”

“NO! I want her. She’s mine!”

“Abby, what are you talking about? You said...”

“I know what I said. I can’t do this. I have to see her...hold her. Please? Oh, please!!!”

“Are you sure?” he asked, not knowing what to do. I had spent months telling him in no uncertain terms that I wanted nothing to do with the baby once she was born, and yet now I was crying hysterically and begging him to get her for me.