The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings (98 page)

how it arrived—mail, UPS, FedEx, in person, or electronically?

when acknowledgment was sent (that is, when you wrote the thank-you note)

Keep all the gift cards, and write a brief description of the gift directly on the card. This all seems elementary, but even masters of organization can mess this up. If you don't keep the gifts straight, you'll cause the givers undue stress. They'll be wondering, “Did Sean and Emilio receive the carved beech-wood wind chimes?” Not to mention causing you anxiety as well: “Emilio, who would send us carved wind chimes?”

Your thank-you notes don't have to be lengthy, thank goodness. You should, however, make sure to acknowledge the specific gift so that the giver knows you paired him or her up with the right box (“We just love the espresso maker…”) and maybe say something about the plans you have for it (“… and we can't wait to make cappuccinos to drink while we read the Sunday paper.”) It's nice if you both sign the notes, and it's even nicer if you split the pile in two and each write half.

If writing notes sets off an anxiety attack (“They'll compare notes and realize I wrote the same thing to everyone!”) get your hands on a
“how to write thank you notes” guide that give you samples. (Yes, they exist; use them without shame.)

Oops!

If a gift arrives without a card or the information was misplaced, use the following procedure to sniff out the gift giver, CSI style.

1.
If the gift arrives from a store, call immediately and explain what happened; if it was charged, they might be able to tell you who purchased it.

2.
Check for a number on the label or tag that indicates the date of purchase. With this information in hand, you can cross-examine the appropriate salesperson.

3.
Was the gift purchased near where any suspect lives or is it a suspect's favorite store?

4.
Wait until all the gifts are received, and then by process of elimination discern the gift giver.

5.
Have a friend go undercover and drop hints about the mystery gift.

It happens. After all that, you still end up with four blenders. You want to return some of them (probably three), but you're not quite sure what the protocol is in this area. Here's the drill on typical gift problems:

If you end up with duplicate gifts, don't go out of your way to tell the giver. (In fact, don't tell the giver—period.) By all means return any duplicate gifts and pick out something you can use. Or keep the extra blenders and go into regifting mode. (Just make sure you don't give anyone the same gift he gave you.)

Is it rude to return that cheese tray in the shape of a cow or the twig wall hanging that reads “Share the Joy”? Well, sorry, but there really are no “right” answers on this one. If you're really
really
close to the people who gave it, you might want to discuss why a certain present doesn't work for you—because if you pretend to love it but don't put the wall hanging up or use the cheese tray for every function they attend at your house, they'll know you were lying. On the other hand, if you're really
really
close to them, how did they err so badly in choosing a gift for you? We don't know. You'll just have to treat each case on an individual basis. But remember, at all costs, be gracious and acknowledge everything with bountiful delight.

Thank you.

Q. When is a gift immediately returned to the sender?

A. The moment the wedding is called off.

I
F YOU'RE PLANNING
on a postceremony celebration that says “Party,” in addition to food and drink you're probably thinking about entertainment of some sort. This entertainment most often takes the form of music (for listening and/or dancing) but can also include games, performances, and variety artists.

In chapter nine we talked about the role music might play in your ceremony; similarly, music is the thread that weaves the reception together. It can mark the dramatic entrance of the newlyweds with a fanfare, keep a buffet line moving with a brisk salsa beat, and create a serious party-hardy atmosphere.

First off, see if either of you has a strong preference or predetermined concept by asking yourselves the following questions:

Is there a certain feeling or look that you are going for?

Should the music help carry through a theme?

Are you planning on having dancing, or will the mood be more intimate and subdued?

Are there monetary restrictions that limit your options? (If you answer no to this, we'd like you to contact us immediately.)

There are so many choices these days in providing music. No longer are there just four guys in powder blue tuxes whose songs all sound like “Proud Mary.” There are various ethnic bands, entertainers who put on a complete show, and disc jockeys to spin records or CDs (or mix MP3s). As you look over the possibilities of music that will fit your reception, consider the following.

Loud music in a small space can blow the lid off the building, annoy your guests because they can't hear themselves think, and/or cause guests to leave early. It used to be that the larger the room, the more pieces you needed to play in the band. But nowadays, thanks to newfangled synthesizers, high-tech instruments, and sound equipment, three pieces can sound like fifteen. So look at the space and search for music that will not over- or underwhelm your reception site. If you're having your reception in a ballroom, a solo acoustic guitarist will likely go unnoticed; if it's in a small backyard, a twelve-piece swing band is likely overkill.

If you're planning a long celebration, six hours of flamenco guitar is probably excessive.

Hip Hop or Hokey Pokey? With a varied guest list, the music should have something in it for everyone, so look to compromise. Yes, it's your wedding and you can have your favorite kind of music, but this attitude must be tempered by the fact that you're throwing the party of your life, which means that everyone should get off on the music. A string quartet might thrill your Aunt Ethel but will inflict pain on your friends who are too hip for the room; likewise, a great heavy-metal band will undoubtedly please your head-banging pals but unhinge your older relatives.

We'll state the obvious here: live musicians will invariably cost more than recorded music, unless you plan to hire Moby as a DJ. And, generally speaking, the bigger the band, the bigger the bucks.

You've no doubt at some point in your life heard someone say, “The band made the party.” If this is what you have in mind for your wedding, you'll need to find just the right group. Yes, you can dance to a solo accordion; you can also hire a twenty-six-piece orchestra with six vocalists for background music.