The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (15 page)

In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well.

ROMANS 12:6

IN MY COUNSELING OFFICE, I often hear of personality clashes within marriage that result in disharmony. By personality, I mean our patterned way of responding to life. We speak of people being extroverted or introverted, neat or sloppy, pessimistic or optimistic, decisive or indecisive, excitable or calm. These are all personality traits. They are predictable ways in which one tends to respond to life's situations.

One wife said of her husband, "He is so slow and deliberate that by the time he makes a decision, it's too late." She was describing how one of his personality traits annoyed her. We all have a mixture of personality characteristics, and someone who knows us well can usually predict how we will respond in a given situation. Most personality traits have both strengths and weaknesses. The key in marriage is to make the most of our strengths and learn how to minimize the weaknesses.

It's important to remember, as Romans 12 tells us, that God has created us as unique individuals. We have different personalities and different things we do well. That's something we should celebrate rather than allow to frustrate us. When as a couple we understand each other better, our distinct personalities can become an asset rather than a liability.

Father, thank you for making us distinct individuals. It's so easy to get annoyed with some of my spouse's personality traits that are different from mine. Please help me to view those as a gift instead of a problem. Help me to learn from my spouse.

God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God. MATTHEW 5:9

IF WE ARE GOING to understand each other, we must identify our personality differences. There are many personality types, all of which have positives and negatives, and in the next few days we'll look at a few. Today we'll look at the peacemaker. This is the calm, slow, easygoing, well-balanced personality. This person is typically pleasant, doesn't like conflicts, seldom seems ruffled, and rarely expresses anger.

The peacemaker has emotions but does not easily reveal them. In a marriage, the peacemaker wants calm, tends to ignore disagreement, and avoids arguments at all costs. This person is very pleasant to be around; however, the downside of this personality is that conflicts are often left unresolved. If the couple does get into an argument, the peacemaker will try to calm the other person by acquiescing, even if he does not agree. He is kindhearted and sympathetic and wants everybody just to enjoy life. However, if a peacemaker is married to a controller, she may be steamrolled and eventually suffer in silent anger.

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus expressed blessing for the peacemakers and said that they will be called children of God. What a wonderful statement! James 3:18 gives a further accolade for this personality type: "Those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness." If you are married to a peacemaker, thank God for it. Also, be careful not to take advantage of your spouse's easygoing nature.

Father, lam thankful for my spouse's desire to be a peacemaker. I know that you bless this attitude. Please help me to appreciate it fully, and not to use it for my own gain.

Diotrephes, who loves to be the leader, refuses to have anything to do with us.... Not only does he refuse to welcome the traveling teachers, he also tells others not to help them. And when they do help, he puts them out of the church. 3 JOHN 1:9-10

WHAT IS IT LIKE to live with someone who has a controlling personality? Controllers are quick, active, practical, strong-willed people. They tend to be self-sufficient, independent, decisive, and opinionated. Finding it easy to make decisions, they often make decisions for other people as well as for themselves.

Controllers will take definite stands on issues and can often be found crusading for special causes. They do not give in to pressure from others but will argue to the end. Controllers see problems as challenges. They have dogged determination and do not sympathize easily with others. Also, the controller does not easily express compassion or warm emotions. While controllers typically accomplish much in life, they often run over others who stand in their way. In a marriage, this leaves the spouse feeling like his or her ideas and feelings are not respected. The spouse may also complain of feeling unloved.

It's possible that some of the biblical prophets had this personality, and in their case, it was often a positive. They needed strong, decisive personalities to fulfill their God-ordained purpose while facing pressure and persecution. Another biblical example is not so positive. In the verses above, the apostle John refers to a controlling person named Diotrephes. He not only chose not to help the traveling Christian teachers who were common in that era, but he also wanted to keep others from helping them. When we move from making our own decisions to wanting to be in charge of others' choices, that's negative controlling.

If you have a strong controlling personality, you will likely need help in understanding how your actions affect others. If this describes your spouse, you may need to confront him or her gently when you feel ignored or disrespected.

Father, help us to deal with issues of control in our marriage./ thank you for the ability to be decisive and efficient, but help me not to exercise those personality traits on my spouse. Rather, help us both to be respectful and loving.

David went there and brought the Ark of God from the house of Obed-edom to the City of David with a great celebration.... And David danced before the LORD with all his might. 2 SAMUEL 6:12, 14

WE'VE BEEN TALKING about personality types, and today we'll look at the party maker. This is the warm, lively, excited personality. For this person, all of life is a party. Party makers enjoy people, do not like solitude, and are at their best when surrounded by friends and the life of the party. Party makers are never at a loss for words. They can turn a simple meal into a celebration. These people make life exciting not only for themselves, but for others. Filled with stories, dramatic expressions, and songs, the party maker's objective is for everyone to be happy.

The Bible certainly doesn't look down on celebration. The verses above highlight King David leading a national celebration when the Ark of the Lord was brought back to Jerusalem. He "danced before the LORD with all his might"! He knew that some things deserve celebration.

The downside of this personality is that others may see party makers as undependable and undisciplined. Why? They can be so into the moment that they forget previous commitments. It's not that they intend to be delinquent; it's just that they forget. If you are married to a party maker, enjoy the rideand ask your spouse how you might help him or her keep life on track.

Father, thank you for celebrations-and thank you for my spouse's joyful spirit that makes so many things enjoyable. Help me to appreciate it and be gentle when 1 try to help.