Love, But Never (17 page)

              “Over on one of the lounge chairs,” he motioned before following her out of the pool.

              The terry cloth was soft on her wet skin as she wrapped the towel loosely around her body.  When she sat down on the lounge chair, she was already dry.  Marissa motioned for John to lay down with her.  Wrapping a towel around his waist, he joined her.

              “You look so beautiful,” he said again, putting his hand against her cheek.  His lips felt good against her, but foreign all of the sudden.  She knew that her heart was safe with him, and that made her want to relent to his advances.  She heard him moan against her lips and she knew he was looking for that same safety in her.  John pushed her back against the lounge chair and slipped between her legs.

              “Are you sure you want to do this?” Marissa asked, thinking that maybe they should take this slow for the first time, ever.  Marissa knew she had control over this situation without having to take it to a level she wasn’t prepared to go with John right away.

              “I’ve wanted to do this for a few years. I care about you, Marissa. Let me show you how much,” he answered.

              “Can’t we just spend the night sleeping next to each other like we used to?  I’d really like that,” Marissa hedged.

              “That’s fine,” John said, confused, but pulled back.  “Like this?” he asked, indicating their lack of clothing.

              “That’s sounds fine to me,” she smiled at him, letting him take her hand and wrap her towel around her nakedness again.  He gathered their clothing and led her through the house to his bedroom.  She took her usual spot on the left side of his bed, like she had all those other nights they’d slept next to each other.  She thought that this time should feel different, because he wanted to be more than a friend to her, but it didn’t.  She felt close to him and valued their relationship, but her heart didn’t explode at his touch the way Aaron’s touch set her on fire.  This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be, John was her best friend, and no one knew her better than he did.  Maybe she would learn to be in love with him?  She slipped under the covers and stared at John’s dark ceiling, as he turned away from her on his side.  Their usual sleeping pattern, as she turned on her side away from him, wondering if they would ever, truly, come together, and not just because they knew they wouldn’t get hurt.

              The next morning, Marissa felt the dull pain in her stomach before she woke up, and curled herself into a ball.  It was annoying, but nothing she couldn’t handle now.  She started her breathing exercises and tried to straighten her legs out to stand, but the pain was more than she thought it was at first.  Still not the worst it had ever been though.  She heard John’s phone start to ring next to his head.

              “Hello?” he asked, groggy.  “No, I’m not busy.  Sure, I’ll meet you in an hour or so?”  Marissa saw him peeking over to see if she was still asleep.  “That sounds good… okay…see you soon.”

              Marissa lay, paralyzed by her pain, realizing her medication was at home with Susan.  She cursed her thought that it would be better to take her pills before going over to John’s last night.

              “Hey,” John nudged her gently. “Taylor wants to go shopping.  I told him I’d meet him.”

              “Okay,” she said, through a struggled breath.

              “Do you want to go or…?” he asked, unconcerned that she was obviously in pain.

              “No, I’m just going to go home and rest,” Marissa was frustrated that he didn’t seem to notice her discomfort.

              “That’s probably a good idea, you look flush.  I don’t want to get sick,” he continued.  Marissa finally felt well enough to stretch out and moved to slip her clothes back on when he caught her arms and pinned them to the bed.  He moved them above her head and came down on top of her.

              “I had a great time hanging out with you last night.  I’m hoping we can take our friendship to a new level together.  I think it could be fun,” he winked and kissed her before letting her go.  Marissa grimaced as she attempted to sit up, taking a few extra seconds to adjust to her pain before dressing and grabbing her purse to leave.

              “I had fun, too, John.  Let’s take it slow though, okay?  We’ve been friends for so long, and we’ve even traveled down this road before… though, I suppose now that we are on more equal sexual ground, you want to include that, too.  You were clear last night.  Call me later,” she said, laboriously, before disappearing through his bedroom door toward his living room and out into the early morning sun.

             
‘How did he not see how much pain I was in?’
Marissa wondered to herself as she tried to concentrate on driving home and taking her meds. 
‘Granted, I’ve been in worse pain, but he’s never witnessed a flare before.  How could he not tell?’
 

Marissa pulled her truck into the garage of their neighbor and walked across his yard to get to hers.  As soon as she made it in the door, she watched the look on Susan’s face change to one of concern.  She stopped the cooking she was doing at the stove immediately.  Instead of going to help Marissa, she turned and walked down the hall to Marissa’s bedroom and came out with a pill caddy, looking triumphant. 

              “That obvious?” Marissa asked, as she ambled slowly toward the kitchen island.  By the time she got there, Susan had a glass of water waiting next to her medications.

              “Honey, I would’ve had to be blind not to see how much pain you are in right now,” she answered.

              “Thank you,” Marissa squeaked out before downing her medication and looking for the pain pills next to the refrigerator.

              “Did John feed you breakfast?  Or are you in too much pain to eat?  How’d you get home? Did he drive you?” Susan sounded more concerned suddenly. 

              “No, he didn’t feed me breakfast, he didn’t even ask.  Yes, I’m in too much pain to eat, I’ll probably just have a nutritional drink.  No, he didn’t drive me; he didn’t even notice I was in pain.  Besides, he lives less than a mile away.  I figured I’d be okay to get here,” Marissa took her glass of water to the table and sat down, willing the drugs to work quickly, at least the pain medication.  She took several deep breaths to make up the strain the words she just spoke put on her body.

              “Oh, okay…you should be careful driving like that.  How did he
not
notice?” Susan asked.  “He’s your best friend.”

              “Taylor called and invited him to go shopping.  I think he was occupied with the plans he’d just made to notice the pain I was in.  I don’t think it was intentional,” Marissa justified more for herself than for Susan.  The raised eyebrow that Susan sported showed that she didn’t believe Marissa anymore than Marissa believed herself.

‘Maybe he’s not who I think he is?’
Marissa questioned her relationship with John for the first time in five years.  Just as the thought entered her head, her phone rang- John- weird.

“Hello?” she answered, waving to Susan as she walked to her bedroom and closed the door.

“I had a great time with you last night, want to come over after work again tonight?  I’ll make you a late night snack and we can watch a movie?” John offered.

“Sounds good,” Marissa said.

“Sorry about rushing you out this morning.  Next time you stay over, I’ll make you some eggs or something to make up for it.”

“Oh, okay,” Marissa started to wonder if John had bugged her house or something.

“And maybe, we can spend some time in my shower?  I was serious about taking things to another level.  But like you said, not public knowledge, just sort of dating?” John tried to explain.

“Exclusive?” Marissa asked.

“Not yet.”

“Are you looking for FWB or more than that?”

“FWB?” John asked, confused.

“Friends with benefits,” Marissa clarified.

“Not quite.  I want a little more than that, including hanging out in public and such- but I’m not ready to have a girlfriend again.  Is that okay?”

Marissa nodded, “Completely understandable.”

“Okay, see you later then, I’m here to meet Taylor.”

“Okay, bye.”  Marissa ended the call, ecstatic to have something she could trust in her life once again.  She knew she was finally ready to face her reality head on.  John was her best friend; they were supposed to be together.

**

After my dad came over and yelled at me for absolutely no reason in my own house, I’ve been feeling out of control and needed to do
something
to get everything back in order. When John suggested we go skinny dipping, I jumped at the idea. I wish I would’ve known what he had in mind before I got there. Now I feel more out of control than ever. I’m glad I didn’t offend him when I said I could never picture him and me in a relationship that was totally public knowledge, in that we are affectionate in front of other people. Because we’ve never had that. John and I have the most bizarre relationship. We can do all this physical stuff, and our friendship remains the same, no awkwardness or anything when we move into and away from it. It’s so weird.

~7/18/01

CHAPTER 13

August 2001

              Marissa stood along the back wall of the Amazon’s main stage area, watching the first band set up for the My Year Abroad show.  She was already certain she’d made a mistake wearing her five inch stiletto boots.  They were beautiful and made her legs look amazing with her red plaid skirt, but they were not functional or comfortable.  As grimy as the walls of the Amazon were, she knew she’d need to count on their support to make it to the main attraction tonight and sitting on the floor was definitely out of the question.  As she was trying to adjust the back of her black halter top so her bare shoulder blades weren’t resting on the filthy wall, she saw a short, but slightly attractive, guy approach taking a sip of the beer in his hand.

              “You are beautiful,” he started, obviously already tipsy.  Marissa rolled her eyes at his cheesy opening line.

              “Thanks,” she smiled, politely.

              “I’m an artist, you know?  I’d love to show you my studio sometime,” he leered, taking another sip of his drink.

              “Really?” she offered, blandly, hoping he’d get the hint that she wasn’t interested, but he didn’t.

              “I’d love for you to model for me.  You’d be incredible,” his hand touched her forearm and she felt her skin crawl.

              “I’m sure you would want that,” she laughed at his audaciousness.  “I think you need to be cut off,” she continued, nodding at the beer in his hand and moving from his grasp.

              “I love beer, what’s your favorite drink?” he asked.

              “That’s obvious, I’m good with my water here,” she said holding up her bottle of water to his field of vision.

              “That’s cool.  What’s your boyfriend’s favorite drink?” he continued.

              “Wow!  That was smooth,” Marissa said as sarcastically as she could muster.

              “He prefers beer, too,” Marissa heard from behind her as an arm slipped possessively around her waist.  Her eyes flew questioningly to Aaron’s, but she snuggled against him for effect toward the unwelcome advances.  His eyes looked into hers with a look Marissa didn’t understand, he looked like his arm around her waist was the missing piece in his life.  Surmising that he was a brilliant actor, she tipped her chin up to signal a more obvious display of affection.  Immediately, he took her lips with his in a chaste, but electrifying kiss.

              “Sorry, man, I didn’t know,” the drunk guy beside her said.  “She’s beautiful; I should’ve known she was yours.”

              “It’s okay; just don’t try it again, okay?” Aaron’s voice turned menacing as he dismissed her unwanted suitor.

              “Okay,” he held his hands up in defeat and wandered toward the stage.

              “Thank you!” Marissa gushed, relishing the fact that even though they were alone, he had made no move to separate himself from her.  “He just wasn’t getting the hint!  I’m not a mean person, but I was going to have to be blunt with that guy.”

              “No problem, Marissa,” He looked into Marissa’s eyes again, this time they were filled with desire.  His hand was now stroking at her waist.  “What’s my reward?”

              “Hmmm… I’ll have to think about that?” she said, a devilish gleam in her eye.

              Aaron pulled her flush against him and caressed her cheek with the pad of his thumb before pushing her bangs away from her face and palming the back of her head, his fingers entwined with her hair.  “You do that.  I can’t wait to see what you come up with.” He winked at her before releasing her completely and disappearing again.

              Marissa sagged against the wall, no longer caring about the soiled surface, as she watched him make his way through the crowd.  Wondering how long it would take her breathing to return to normal, she started to question Aaron’s display of possessiveness and why his coming to her rescue and lying about their relationship didn’t bother her.  Everything south of her waist clinched at the thought of actually being his, but deep down, she knew that he was just being a good friend.

“When are you going to give up this charade and move home, Marissa?” Leandra asked, before eating a fork full of fried rice.

“What do you mean?” Marissa asked, plucking a piece of broccoli from her plate with her chopsticks.

“School starts soon, and with rent and everything, there is no way you are going to be able to afford tuition for fifteen credits and a truck payment unless you move home,” her mom said, matter of fact.

“Oh, that’s where you are wrong, mom.  I’ve budgeted well.  The only thing I don’t have the money for right now is books,” Marissa grinned.  “And I can borrow from friends until I can afford them, so no biggie.”