Love, But Never (16 page)

              Marissa cast her eyes downward at his admission.  Immediately, she felt he’d never understand what her childhood had been like.  He’d think she wasn’t good enough to hang out with, that she was damaged beyond repair.  She couldn’t take that risk now, to tell him that she was treated like the maid and a nuisance by her family.

“What’s that like?” she asked.

              “What?”

              “Having parents that believe in you?” She pulled her blue eyes up to meet his.  His expression changed to one of compassion.  Marissa was thankful she didn’t see pity in his eyes.

              “I’m sorry that you don’t know,” he answered, pulling her into him and kissing her forehead.

              “It’s not your fault.” She slumped in his embrace.

              “I know, but I’m sorry that it obviously causes you pain.  Do you still want to talk about it?” he asked.

              “No.  Maybe someday, but not today,” she sighed, as she looked up at the stars.

              “Okay, I’ll be ready whenever you are.” He moved so that his arm was draped around her shoulder, as he pulled her down to lay beside him in the truck bed.  “Wow!  You can see so many stars over here.  It’s amazing.”

              “I know, it’s one of my favorite things about living here, that and listen…” she whispered.  After about thirty seconds, she added, “hear that?”

              “Hear what?” Aaron looked at her, puzzled.

              “Exactly.  I feel like I can hear myself think for the first time ever.  I feel like I have control over my own life and the direction I want it to go,” she said.  “I feel like they can’t touch me here,” she whispered.

              “Who can’t touch you?” he asked, concerned.

              “Never mind,” she shook her head and pulled him in for a kiss.

              “I’ll let you change the subject this time, but I want to know who or what you are running from one day,” he relented, pulling her on top of him, her knees on either side of his hips. “Is this going to hurt your knees?” he asked through a shuttered breath, as she started to grind her hips into his.

              “The cab of my truck is too small,” she shrugged, as his hands cupped her behind as she set rhythm with her hips.

              “I know, but what about the hood?” his voice was starting to feel strangled with want.  “That might be more comfortable?”

              Marissa stood in the bed of her truck and hopped over the side before she could second guess her choice.  He followed quickly, and hoisted her onto the hood and found his place between her knees, pulling her closer to find the friction they’d had just moments ago.  Marissa growled and pulled his mouth to hers in a kiss that seemed to sear her soul. 

Deftly, she dispatched his belt and the shorts he wore dropped to the driveway.  She moaned as he pulled the spaghetti straps of her dress down to reveal her breasts to the sweltering summer heat.  Marissa could tell that he was trying to take his time, slowly massaging her breasts with his hands as he started to kiss a trail down her neck to them. She lost herself in his touch, like she’d done before and the world seemed to float away.  She didn’t care that anyone could come out of their houses on the street and see or hear what they were doing.  She cared only about how his touch made her feel and the power she drew from him.

Slowly, she brought her hands to the front of his boxers and wrapped her fingers around him through the fabric.  She smiled when she heard him mutter “Fuck!” against her breast.

“I need you inside me, NOW!” she panted, shoving his boxers down so he could get as close to her as possible.  He paused before taking his position inside her, lifting a hand to trail down her cheek, before cupping her face in his hands, forcing her to look into his eyes as he moved inside of her.  She reveled in the fact that her small truck was the perfect height for their encounter as he pushed into her, filling her, again.  Her eyes rolled back in her head at the sheer ecstasy she felt, she groaned her approval as his lips found hers again.  He moved like he was desperate for her and she met him thrust for thrust, because, honestly, she was desperate for him, too.

             
Thursday I hung out with Aaron again. The second time in less than a month! I don’t know what it is about that guy or why he’s my weakness!  I barely know anything about him, but there is this draw that I feel from him. It’s kind of exciting. All I know is that I’ve wanted that guy since the moment I saw him last year at The Fenix Tx concert.  I don’t know. I don’t know that I could
ever
have a serious relationship with him or anything… but man!  It’s so magnetic. I’m just afraid that I’m going to get myself in trouble with him somehow- but on the other hand, I kind of don’t really care…

~6/24/01

CHAPTER 12

July 2001

BANG! BANG! BANG!

             
Marissa groaned as the person banging on her door broke her sleep.  She pulled herself out of bed and slipped into her robe as a second round of banging started.

              “Who is it?” she asked when she finally reached the door to the car port.

              “It’s your father; you need to let me in now!” He yelled.  She jumped and unlocked the door to allow her father access to her house.

              “What’s up, dad?” she asked, walking to the island in the center of the kitchen.

              “Why didn’t you pay your truck payment last month?” he growled.

              “I did,” she answered.

              “No, you didn’t!  They are calling us because they didn’t receive payment,” he started toward her.

              “Yes, dad, I did,” Marissa tried to keep the tears that were threatening at bay. 
‘I must be strong, this is my house, he has no right to control me here. Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry!’

              “That’s bullshit!  Concord has been calling every day for the last week!” his eyes blazed.  “Don’t lie to me!”

              “Dad, I don’t have my truck through Concord.  Jared does,” she skirted around him to grab her latest statement.  “See,” she held it up for his inspection, “I have Cadence.”

              “Oh,” he was taken aback by his mistake.  “I’ll have to talk to your mother about forgetting to remind him.” He took another step back.  “But if you ever miss a payment, I’ll be back!”

              “I don’t doubt it, dad, but you won’t be,” she crossed her arms across her chest.  “I’m doing just fine here and don’t need you to stop by like this again.  This is my house, and you need to be more respectful of my space.” Her eyes widened, not knowing where her courage or these words were coming from.

              “How dare you talk to me that way!  I should drag you out of here by your hair.  I am your father and you will show me respect.  I don’t care that you aren’t under my roof anymore” he roared, stalking to her and grabbing a handful of her copper hair and yanking it downward so she had to look into his eyes.  Finally, she couldn’t hold back the tears any longer and they spilled down her face faster than she could stop them.

              “But you can’t make me leave here, so I’d suggest you go talk to mom about why Jared isn’t paying his car payment,” she sobbed and signaled to her door, trying not to fight his grip on her hair.  He released her and walked through the door without another word, and Marissa closed it behind him, slumping back as all the courage she experienced minutes before left her body and she tried to catch her breath. 

As she heard his truck pull out of her driveway, tears of relief spilled down her cheeks, and she walked on her wobbly legs back to her bedroom.  She’d believed that her nightmare was finally over, but she was starting to wonder if it ever truly would end.  If there was anything she could do to actually get control over her life again, without having to resort to her full proof method.  She knew the last couple of months had been too good to be true. As soon as she hit her comforter, she heard her phone ring.

              “Now what?” she asked herself, pushing to her side to find her cell phone near her nightstand.

              “Hello?” Marissa answered, trying keep the tears out of her voice.

              “Hey!  What are you up to?  Want to come over to swim today?” John asked.
‘FINALLY!’
Marissa thought,
‘the Ellen hibernation is over!’

              “I have to work in a few hours, but I would’ve if I didn’t.  I’ve really missed you,” she said, trying to make it obvious that a swim was exactly what she needed right now.

              “I’ve missed you, too.  Hey!  My parents and sister are on the boat for the week, so if you wanted to stop by after work, that wouldn’t be an issue.  I think we should go skinny dipping like we used to.  What do you think?” his voice sounded suddenly nervous. 
‘The unhealthy way to feel in control it is,’
Marissa thought, feeling as though this phone call had been a sign.

              “That sounds AMAZING, John!  I’ll be over right after work, like 11:15?” she suggested.

              “Sounds good,” his smile evident through the phone before they ended the call.

              John led Marissa to the pool as soon as she arrived.  It was obvious that he’d missed her while he was busy sulking and distancing himself from everyone.

              “How was work?” he asked, holding open the sliding glass door for her.

              “So dead, summer is always the worst time to work in a hotel in the middle of the desert,” she said.  “It was all I could do to stay awake behind the desk until eleven now that summer session is over.” She continued, pulling her uniform shirt over her head.

              “You seem to be looking forward to our swim,” John chuckled as he started to undress, too.

              “Are you kidding?  I blew off Tony when he asked me to hang out!” she laughed, reaching behind her back to unclasp her white bra.

              “Well, I’m honored that you blew off your ex to hang out with your best friend,” he snorted, as he dispatched his boxers and found his way to the deep end of the pool.  Marissa eyed his slender, naked body as he dove into the water.  Quickly, she stripped off the remainder of her clothing and jumped in after him.

              The tepid water was invigorating in the one hundred degree heat.

              “It’s so frustrating when the temperature doesn’t drop below one hundred, even after midnight.  It’s like we never get a break!” Marissa said, lying back in the water to float.

              John blushed slightly as he watched Marissa’s breasts gleam in the moonlight when they broke the surface of the water.

              “Uh, yeah, I know what you mean,” he stammered.  Marissa laughed.

              “What’s wrong with you?” she said, straightening herself to look at him.

              “Nothing,” he shook his head.

              “Okay,” her eyebrow rose in suspicion and began to swim toward him.

              “It’s just been so long since I’ve seen you like this,” he smirked.

              “Like what?  We are just two people swimming in a pool.”

              “You know, like…” he motioned toward her.

              “Naked?”

              He nodded, blushing again.

              “And?  It’s not a big deal.”

              “You’re single again,” he pointed out, as he started to move toward her.  She moved backward toward the side of the pool.

              “Okay?”

              “I’m single again,” he continued.

              “You’ve been single for awhile now, John,” Marissa laughed.

              “Then I’m finally out of my mourning period.  And we’re finally on equal ground again, wouldn’t you say?”

              “Okay?” This time, her back was against the warm tile.  Her heart pounded against her rib cage, as she swallowed the lump in her throat.

              ‘
Why am I nervous?  Yes, I’m single again.  John’s just looking to do some rebounding,’
she told herself, as she felt the warm arm circle her bare waist and pull her effortlessly toward him.  She surrendered to his kiss and melted into the safety and comfort of his arms.  Her fingers found their way to his wet hair and strong back.  She felt his hands move down her back to her thighs.  He grabbed them and wrapped her legs around his waist.  He pinned her against the wall of the pool and kissed her deeply.

              ‘
Whoa! Where is this going? I can’t let him rebound like this!’
she thought and pushed him away from her, as she felt him start to grow between her legs.

              “What’s going on?” she asked.

              “Nothing,” he looked hurt, “you just look so beautiful…old habits, I guess,” he tried to explain.

              “Did you want to reprise our previous arrangement now that Ellen and Tony are out of the picture?”

              “Maybe,” he said. “and more,” he continued under his breath.

              She looked at him, stunned.

              “Could you imagine what a relationship between us would be like?” he asked.

              “I couldn’t imagine us ever having a relationship that was one hundred percent public knowledge.  There are just too many people who would try to sabotage it.  The Taylors for example…”

              “I see,” John said, looking down and possibly wounded by her confession.

              “I’m getting all pruney,” Marissa changed the subject, not sure how she felt about starting up their… what was it they did?  They weren’t ever together, but they were definitely more than friends.  She didn’t like to live in limbo with John; it made it too easy to give in to her addiction with Aaron.  Marissa needed a commitment from John if she ever stood a chance of resisting everything that Aaron made her feel.  She swam to the steps and got out of the pool. “Where’d you put the towels?” she asked.