Love, But Never (15 page)

              “Tony?” he accused, his voice shaking, his brows furrowed in sadness.

              “Of course not!” she huffed, pulling her arm away from his grasp.

              “You never told me why you needed to stay at the hotel before moving in to Susan’s,” he raised his eyebrow at her, putting two and two together.

              “No, I didn’t,” she said, pointedly, looking deep into his black eyes, hoping he could see her pleads to drop the subject.  He did, but not before adding, “If you need to talk…”

              “No talking.  I want you to help me forget,” she said, moving closer to him.  “I want you to show me how hard it’s been to stay away from me this last year,” she whispered before nibbling on his ear lobe, satisfied when a low groan escaped him.

              “Holy shit!  What you do to me!” he growled, before starting to undress her at a fevered pace and pushing her onto her bed.

**

June 2001

              “So, what are your plans for your first ‘official’ night on your own?” Susan asked, joining Marissa in the kitchen as she wrestled with mixing bowls and cookie sheets.

              “I’m going to make chocolate chip cookies,” Marissa answered, matter of fact.

              “Chocolate chip cookies?  I feel like there is some significance there?” 

              “Any time I ever baked chocolate chip cookies at home, I’d always have to put peanut butter in the cookies.  I like peanut butter in them, but I never had a choice.  So this batch will be just mine.  A ‘freedom batch’ if you will,” Marissa smiled.

              “You mean at your parents’ house.  This is your home now.  If you can’t get out of the realm that their house is your home, you’ll always think of it as an option for you.  You know that’s not healthy for you to be there,” Susan said.

              “Going back will never be an option,” Marissa said, firmly.

              “I’m glad to hear you say that.  Have you been able to talk to John about why you left your parents’ house and moved to the hotel?”

              “No, he’s been sulking after his latest break up with Ellen.  It’s been three months, though, so I expect him to be calling me to hang out shortly.  Especially since Tony and I are over” Marissa rolled her eyes.

              “Three months?  How long were they together?”

              “Only two months, this time.  But it was long enough for her to get into his boxer briefs.  Hence the longer mourning period this time.”  Marissa crossed the kitchen and started to pull out the ingredients for her ‘freedom’ cookies.

              “He wasn’t…was
he
?!” Susan asked, stunned.

              “He was,” Marissa nodded for effect.

              Susan shook her head at Marissa’s confession and went to sit at the dining table.  “What about Aaron?  Heard from him lately?” A wicked grin spread across Susan’s face.  “And when do I get to meet him?”

              “Yes, and probably not until after your last exchange student leaves.  I don’t know how much I can stay away from him since I’m not with Tony anymore.  It’s kind of embarrassing,” Marissa blushed.

              “That’s a good plan.  I don’t need her telling her parents about the noises coming from across the hall!”

              Marissa’s blush deepened and she returned her attention to lovingly measuring out her ingredients.

              “ANYWAY!” Marissa changed the subject.   “Lucian and John should be coming to visit and check out my new place in the next week or so.  Lucian will, at least!”

              “I can’t wait to meet them.  It’s funny that we’ve been friends for over a year now, and I’ve never met your two best friends,” Susan laughed.

              “That’s cause we hung out a lot at school and I hang out with them at John’s mostly,” Marissa said, measuring the cookies onto her cookie sheet and popping it into the oven before setting the timer.  “I never knew making cookies without peanut butter would be something I was dying to do the second I had a place to call my own.”  Marissa’s smile was so big that she thought her face might break.

              “The first thing I did when I moved into my first place was strip down completely and walk around,” Susan said. “I would ask you to only do that when you are home alone, though.” She chuckled.  “We all have our wants when we finally escape.  I’m just glad I could finally offer you a way out of that situation, without you having to depend on Tony!”

              “I am, too,” Marissa brushed back the tears burning her eyes, laughed at Susan’s first act of freedom being so drastically different than hers, and gave Susan a big hug. “Thank you, so much.  This isn’t about sowing my wild oats, like my parents suspect.  It’s about being able to take control of my own life for the first time ever.  You’ll never know how important this was for me.”

              “I think I have an idea.”

CHAPTER 11

June 2001

              “So, Ris, how’s your Calc two class coming?” Susan asked two weeks into their life as roommates and she moved the steaks she’d just finished cooking to the island in the center of their kitchen.

              “So intense!  Why did I decide to take it in the summer and why did I think it was a good idea to take it with Tony?” Marissa said, pulling down dinner plates from the cabinet next to the sink.

              “Because it’s rare to have it offered in the summer and because you and Tony registered for it before your break-up.” Susan answered, logically.

              “I know, but it’s making it so hard to not experience a back slide.  I can feel that it’s coming.  Anytime I stay late at work to study with him, I feel like it’s going to end up in the break room or the bathroom, and that’s dangerous.” Marissa crossed the kitchen to the refrigerator and pulled out the salad she’d put together earlier for dinner and placed it next to the steaks on the island, while Susan grabbed the baked potatoes from the microwave.

              “That sounds kind of hot,” Susan laughed.

              “But it can be painful to know that we are sexually compatible, but not compatible in other ways.  You know?  I know that we shouldn’t be together anymore and that we should only be friends, but every time we’re together, it’s like going through our break up again.  It hurts,” Marissa explained, dishing out her dinner and sitting at their circular dining table.

              “I get that.  You need to cut him off, sexually, if you are ever going to move on,” Susan clarified.

              “Exactly!”

              “Then do it!”

              “It’s so easy to fall back into old patterns of behavior.  I’ve been so co-dependent with him, I really need to be stronger,” Marissa groaned.

              “What about when you are with Aaron?”  Marissa looked up at Susan, shocked at the question.

              “You mean both times,” she said, slightly sarcastic.

              “Yes, how do you have sex with him and not have it become more?”

              “Because I know that’s all it is, sex.  There hasn’t been anything between us than light friendship since the beginning.  We didn’t have a near year long relationship with sleepovers and trips out of town together.  I don’t have those kinds of memories with Aaron,” she explained.

              “But you want those memories with him, don’t you?” Susan raised an eyebrow at Marissa’s response.

              “No, he’s too…in demand…I couldn’t compete with his gaggle of admirers,” Marissa batted her eyelashes in response to how she perceived the girls that followed Aaron like whipped puppies.

              “Is that the only reason you wouldn’t date him?”

              “No,” Marissa denied.  “We have amazing sex, but I think it’s more the air of mystery that makes it so incredible.  If we dated, that would be gone and when we broke up, I wouldn’t have that option anymore.  I don’t want to lose it, it’s important.  It makes me feel powerful.”

              “Powerful?”

              “He can sleep with any girl at any of his shows, but he calls me,” she shrugged.

              “Ah, I see, so it strokes your ego.  Makes you feel good about yourself?” Susan nodded.  “That’s nearly as unhealthy as back sliding with Tony, Ris.  You can see that, right?” she continued with a laugh.

              “Of course! But that doesn’t mean I can’t resist it either,” Marissa ripped through her steak and shoved a piece into her mouth.  “He weakens my resolve more than any guy I’ve ever met, Susan,” she answered more honestly than she intended.

              “Finally, we’re getting down to the truth!  It’s not just sex!”

              “Yes, it is.  But it’s really great and hot sex,” Marissa laughed.  “When are you going to see Alan again?”

              “As soon as the house is clear of all minor students,” she gave me a secret smile that said she was looking forward to their reunion.

              “So this is the sudden interest in my sex life, because you are dying to kick yours back into gear?”

              “I can’t wait to dig my black stilettos into his ass again,” Susan’s smile became a full-toothed grin.

              “Damn, that’s hot,” Marissa laughed, hoping she’d get a phone call that night from the aforementioned Aaron.

              “I know!”  Susan chuckled.

              The call Marissa had hoped for came only one week later, much sooner than she expected, but much later than she’d hoped for.

              “How is everything at Susan’s, baby?”

              “Great!  I don’t remember a time I felt so free to be me in my life,” she admitted.

              “That makes me sad that you are only now getting to be yourself at home,” she could hear Aaron’s frown through the phone.  “You are pretty amazing, so it wounds me to think that you’ve been stifled.”

              “You have no idea,” Marissa chuckled, hearing someone asking Aaron something in the background. “Where are you?”

              “We had a show tonight; I’m standing outside right now.”

              “Oh,” she started, “so why are you calling me if you are still at the show?  Shouldn’t you be prowling for chicks with your friends?” she teased.

              “Actually, I was wondering what you were up to tonight?” Aaron asked.

              “Wow!  Again?  It hasn’t even been a month,” Marissa smiled, secretly thrilled that he was taking advantage of her single status, as her addiction to him was growing more than she ever imagined.

              “I want to make sure you are okay.  I haven’t seen you since last month, and you had some pretty nasty bruises,” he explained, “Plus, if I had my choice, it would always be you at the end of the night,” he snuck in at the end.

              “My roommate still has an exchange student.  If you wanted to come over, we’d have to be outside,” Marissa answered, ignoring Aaron’s last remark.

              “No problem, I just want to spend time with you,” Aaron said, but Marissa was sure he was looking for something else, too.

              “Okay, just call me when you get here and I’ll meet you outside.  I don’t want to wake up the dog and the rest of the house.”

              “We are just finishing up at the venue, then I’ll head that way,” Marissa could hear Aaron’s excitement through the phone.

              “Sounds good,” she said, ending the call.  She looked down to see that she was in her work uniform, again. 
‘Why can’t I ever just look perfect when he’s on his way?’
Marissa asked herself, before searching for something to wear.  She found the orange sundress she wore the first time they were together and slipped it over her head.
‘There, this’ll show him that the bruises are gone, and won’t ever be coming back.’
  She smiled at her reflection in the mirror above her dresser when she looked at her unmarked, white skin.  She piled her long copper hair into a ponytail and turned to the side to admire her reflection.  She started to work on some of her homework from her summer class when her phone rang.

              “Hello,” she said, not checking the caller id.

              “Hey, darling, I’m here, I think,” Aaron said.

              “I’ll be right out,” Marissa answered before ending the call and walking through the darkened living room and kitchen toward the door to the car port.  She smiled when she saw him, looking lost, on the neighbor’s car port, next to her truck.  She walked over to meet him.

              “There you are!  I didn’t see you come out.  Is this your house?”  He gestured to the neighbors’ house.

              “No, I live next door, but these neighbors are winter visitors, so they let me park over here so I don’t have to park in the street.”

              “That’s cool,” he answered and pulled her into a hug. “I missed you.”

              “You did?” she grinned.  “Let’s sit in the bed of my truck; I don’t want to have to deal with any ants tonight.”

              “Sounds good,” he said, hopping her tailgate and sitting down again.  She followed as demurely as she could, wearing her short dress.  He growled, appreciatively, at the sight.

              “Thanks,” she teased.

              “I can see that you are healed,” he said, grabbing the arm that was bruised and bringing it to his lips.

              “Yeah, I’m good,” she blushed.

              “Are you ready to tell me about it?  If you were moving out June first, why the need to escape two weeks early?”

              “Are you sure you want to hear it? We haven’t really gone deep like this before,” she asked.

              “How about I tell you more about me, then?  I grew up on the beach with my family in Oregon.  We moved here in high school, because my dad’s job transferred him.  I’ve got two brothers, one younger, one older and I’m grateful that my parents let me still live with them, even though I’m over twenty-one.”  He summarized, lying in the bed of her truck, looking at the stars.  “They’ve never told me to give up on my music dream and have always been supportive.  I don’t know what I’d do without that support, you know?”