Love, But Never (20 page)

“I’ve had lots of sex, man, but something’s always missing, you know,” Lucian said.

“I’ve felt like that,” Aaron said, grabbing Marissa’s thigh and full attention before adding, “but it’s never been the way it is with you.” He looked deeply into Marissa’s widened, clear blue eyes.  “With you, it’s perfect.”  Aaron leaned into Marissa and-

“What a wonderful Monday morning!  It’s just fifteen past the hour and it’s time to crank up those hits for your drive to work!” Marissa’s alarm sounded.
‘What the fuck was that?!  I don’t even like coffee…”
She thought as she swung her legs off her bed and walked, groggily towards her shower.  She contemplated the more vivid than usual dream as she showered and got ready for work.  She was still in a haze when she finally made it to the kitchen to take her morning medication.

“Ris?  Why so deep in thought?” Susan startled her.

“Shit!  You scared me!”  Marissa shook her head, trying to recover.

“So…?”

“Weird dream…can’t seem to shake it off.”

“Tell me about it…”  Susan asked, gesturing to the empty seat at the kitchen table next to her.  Marissa grabbed a glass of water and a banana before sitting down to spill the disconcerting dream she’d just had.

“What do you think it could mean?” Marissa asked when she’d finished.

“Hmmm, could mean that you think that you should be with Aaron, or it could be that garbage burrito you had last night from Filly B’s at midnight,” Susan chuckled. 

“But I haven’t seen or spent any time with Aaron since the end of August!” Marissa said.

“Maybe you just miss him?”

“We still talk, but I’m trying to make whatever is going on with John works, so I’ve said no to hanging out…”

“Wow, nearly three whole months?  And this is the first dream you’ve had like this?”

“Yeah.  I’ve been spending, what-,” Marissa scratched her head in thought, “two to three nights a week at John’s lately?”

“Sounds about right.  Does this have anything to do with Tony’s new girlfriend?”

“I don’t think so,” Marissa said, confused at Susan’s conclusion.

“I mean, you and John have been seeing each other, nearly four months now?  And he hasn’t been getting the five star reviews I’ve heard you give Aaron.  Hell, I haven’t even heard the four star reviews you gave Tony when you had a backslide last month.  Could it be that you are just starving for a decent release?” Susan offered, bluntly.

Marissa blushed.  “You can hear that? Your room is across the house!”

“You aren’t exactly the quietest, Marissa.  I mean that in general, not just in bed,” she chuckled.  “Except when John is over…you aren’t nearly as…enthusiastic?”

“Oh GOD!” Marissa laid her head on the table and buried her head under her arms.

“That sounds familiar!” Susan laughed and dodged the placemat Marissa heaved at her.

“Let’s just say that John doesn’t give me enough time to
be
enthusiastic…”

“Whatever the reason for the dream, I’d let it go.  You say you want to make it work with John, so work on that.  You have avoided sleeping with Aaron since August and now that Tony is seeing someone, you don’t need to worry about backsliding with him again.  Maybe this is your chance?” She shrugged before walking to her room to finish getting ready for the day.  “Good luck!” she called as Marissa grabbed her purse and keys and headed for her truck.

“Thanks!” she yelled in return before she closed the door to the car port, mortified that Susan could hear her six hundred square feet away and through two closed bedroom doors.

Marissa tried to follow Susan’s advice for the rest of the day and not let the dream bother her, but the memory of Aaron’s lips on hers and his arms holding her close were just too real.  When she felt a hand touch her shoulder, she jumped.

“Whoa-,” she turned to see Tony behind her, his eyes full of concern.

“Ris, I’ve been calling to you for the last five minutes, what’s wrong?”

“I was just thinking, that’s all,” she knit her brows together at the distraction.

“Okay, well, I’m here now, have a great night!” he said, ushering her to the back office to clock out and collect her bag.

“Thanks, you, too,” she answered, perplexed that he seemed to be pushing her out the door.  As she slid behind the steering wheel of her truck, she saw why.  Across the parking lot, she watched Tony’s new girlfriend emerge from her white Toyota Carolla and toss her dirty blonde hair over her shoulder.  Marissa sighed, deeply, and picked up her phone.  She resisted her first instinct, which was, surprisingly, to call Aaron, and called Lucian instead.  As the phone rang, she questioned why calling John hadn’t even entered her mind at all.

“Hey!” Lucian answered, brightly.

“Hey, what are you up to?” she tried to keep her voice even.

“I’m at John’s, we were just going to call and see if you wanted to stop by! So great timing.”

“I don’t know, Lucian… I don’t think I’m up for his mood swings tonight.  I was over a couple nights ago, and he asked me to sleep over, and then ignored me.”

“He wanted you to stay, but he didn’t want you to think things were getting serious.  You slept over two nights in a row, he got scared.  He says he misses you, though.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah,” Lucian chuckled.

“I take it you aren’t standing next to him?”

“No, I’m outside,” he confirmed.

“Ugh, I didn’t realize we were still in high school with this bull shit, Lucian,” Marissa said, slipping behind the wheel of her truck.

“I know. He prefers to play telephone rather than manning up.”

“I feel like I’m in this perpetual loop of high school angst.  I need to bust out my
Dawson’s Creek
DVDs so I feel more at home, right?” Marissa rolled her eyes, putting her truck into gear.  “I’ll be there soon,” she said and ended the call, looking up to pull into traffic.

Lucian was still standing in John’s driveway when she pulled up five minutes later.

“Why so morose, Ris?  You sounded fine earlier.”  He put his arm around her shoulder and led her into John’s living room.  John was sprawled on the couch watching some movie she’d seen him watch so many times before that he was actually mouthing the words along with the actors and she groaned as she took a seat next to him.

“What’s up?” he asked, casting his blue eyes over her face.

“I’m being stupid,” Marissa put her head in her hands, and then ran her hands back through her hair.  She pulled her legs on to the couch and leaned back into the pillows.

“How?” Lucain asked.

Marissa shook her head and looked toward John’s ceiling, watching the fan move in slow circles, and took a deep cleansing breath.  “As I was leaving work, Tony’s new girlfriend came to visit him…”

“Oh,” Lucian said, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, but she felt John tense on the other side of her.

“Ris, why are you so bummed about that?  Did you
just
spend the night with me two nights ago?  Not to mention the night before that, and three nights before that… I could go on?” John’s voice sounded angry, Marissa looked at him, confused.

“Yes, but he actually calls her his girlfriend.  What am I?  Your best friend that you fuck a few times a week, but you aren’t willing to take out in public and hold her hand or buy her dinner?” Marissa narrowed her eyes at him.  “We’ve been doing this over three months now, and I care about you, but I’m starting to resent the lack of commitment…I should just call Aaron or something…”  Marissa shifted to stand up again and leave when John yanked her back onto the couch and into his lap.

Putting his hands on either side of her face, he forced Marissa to look into his angry eyes; her eyes went wide in response. “I wouldn’t do that, sweetheart.  Regardless of the title or label, I still consider you mine, don’t forget that.”

“Then you need to claim me…and not just in front of Lucian…I need you to make an effort.”

“I’ll try, I promise,” John’s expression seemed to soften with those words and Marissa relaxed into his embrace.  

“Good.  Now…Thanksgiving?”

“Ugh, don’t remind me!  We can’t eat leftovers this year.  We are going up north for the weekend.  You are on your own this year.”

“Damn!  I look forward to that excuse to get me out of my Uncle Ryan’s early,” Marissa grumbled.  “Okay…”

“You staying tonight?” John brushed Marissa cheek with the back of his hand.

“You want me to?” She leaned into his caress.

“Of course!”

“Then, sure, but can we watch ANYTHING else?” Marissa pointed to the television.

“I’m with Marissa on this one,” Lucian laughed.

“Fine,” John conceded, shifting Marissa back onto the couch to turn off the movie he was watching.  “Shall I look for some soft core stuff?” he laughed before dodging the pillows Marissa and Lucian chucked toward him.

Yesterday was okay, I only had to work until 1, and then I had to pick up my pie from Village Inn and go to my Uncle Ryan’s house. Grandma’s wrist looked awful from where she broke it a few weeks ago. She spent the whole day whining about something, she started crying a couple of times because of something

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Grandpa and Aunt Carla should be there. She praised all of the grandchildren in Ohio and her pending great-grandchildren. I told her that I wasn’t planning on kids for awhile, because my education was first priority. I don’t want my children to have to deal with parents living paycheck to paycheck like I had to do. It’s not fun, and not that I don’t love my parents, and it’s not like it didn’t make me a stronger person, but I’d rather my kids find their strength elsewhere. Aunt Stephanie applauded me for my candor, as my pregnant cousins aren’t even twenty yet and will be finding themselves in a similar situation to my parents. It’s becoming increasingly hard to see my, once, strong and formidable grandmother so weak and upset over a few words. Uncle Ryan said she has an MRI soon to see if the cancer has returned. I wish I’d been able to escape to John’s house like usual, but to no avail. Even Susan was in California with her family.

~11/23/01

**

January 2002

              Thanksgiving came and went, as did Christmas and before she knew it, a new year and a new semester had begun.  Marissa was starting to give up hope that she and John would ever be ‘official.’  He always wanted to spend time with her, calling constantly.  The sex never changed though, or evolved.  It was always him pulling her on top of him and impaling her while he explored her breast with his tongue.  Then all too quickly, she felt him still beneath her before she’d even gotten a chance to feel any sort of tension in her body for her own release. 

She was getting bored and antsy, almost deleting Aaron’s number from her phone several times to avoid the temptation.  It was worse when Aaron called, though.  When she answered the phone, they had great conversations.  Discovering they had a mutual love of football and really good food, Marissa tried to distance herself from Aaron even more.  Knowing that what was only supposed to be sex was starting to break through into a nice friendship scared her more than she was willing to admit.  Staying away from Aaron as much as possible was the only option.

When John didn’t want to have sex, they hung out occasionally, but he was always stand-offish toward her near his friends.  He was never affectionate to her outside of their respective bedrooms.

              “I’m starting to think that John is never going to be with me.”

              “I don’t know about that.  I actually think he’s getting closer,” Susan said, sipping a cup of peppermint tea.

              “Why do you say that?” Marissa stared into her own cup, her elbows on the kitchen table.

              “The other night, he came to dinner with us and kissed you in front of me after we got back home,” she offered.

              “He didn’t know you were still outside…he actually scowled a little bit when he noticed you were there.” Marissa close her eyes and felt a hand slide along her forearm.

              “Ris, you know he’s stupid,” Lucian joined in.  “I think
he
knows he’s being stupid.  He’s been talking about you more with everyone else.  They are warning him constantly about getting involved with you.  You know how they can be.”

              “I know…I just…,” Marissa growled in frustration.  “I’m so sick of the limbo.  I’m so sick of being his ‘dirty little secret.’  I just want to get it all out in the open, finally.”

              “Your perpetual loop of teen angst? Or as you put it, your own personal episode of
Dawson’s Creek
playing out over and over, like a demented
Groundhog Day
?” Lucian laughed.

              “You aren’t a teenager, Ris,” Susan pointed out, frowning.